Throwing a light bulb at someone’s head is not the same as giving them an idea

Although your roommate’s prescription pill bottles are custom built for carrying pills, they do not make a good travel container for Tylenol, or so Officer Lebowittz tells me.

Bringing a knife to a gun show isn’t a good idea either.

The homeless man who draws numbers in notebooks probably won’t make the best accountant.

Just because monkeys share DNA with humans it does not mean they will automatically be your friend. The same goes for blood relations.

Running from an explosion in slow motion looks awesome on TV. Less fun in person.

Bathtub full of Jello: more expensive than you’d think and a lot less fun.

Sword fighting with pool cues really is fun until someone loses an eye.

Being audited by the IRS is as bad as it sounds.

There’s no get out of jail free card in the game of Life or in real life either.

The outlook is much brighter, when you take off your sunglasses

A good memory is really… ummm… uhhhh… important… yeah, important.

There will always be someone who thinks your pretty special: your Mom