Experiment #63

Love & Taxes Part 1 of 3

Fade in

ext. city street outside Allyson’s apartment – day

A man, Bernie, hurriedly crosses the street and looks from a piece of paper in his hand to the numbers on the buildings above him.

Consumed in his hurried search for the right building, his eyes miss the crack in the sidewalk, but his feet don’t.

He picks himself up and picks up his briefcase. He continues the search, but more slowly.

Bernie (v.o.)

M-m-my sister told me to be there by six, but the train was late and I’ve never been too great with directions… I hate being late.

Bernie matches the address on the building in front of him to the paper in his hand.  He opens the door and walks up the steps.

Bernie (v.o.) (cont.)

I finally found the place at about 6:15, but it didn’t matter, she wasn’t home yet.  I was already kind of annoyed at myself for bein’ late, and missin’ the season première of Galactic Space Wars made it all the worse.  Yeah… I taped it, but it’s so much better live.

int. hallway outside Allyson’s apartment – day

Bernie knocks and waits.  He knocks a couple more times but without receiving an answer.  He looks in nervous frustration down at his paper again and checks the number.

ext. city street outside Allyson’s apartment – day

Bernie leans out the door and looks up at the number on the building.  A woman in a hurry walks up to the door while Bernie is blocking it.  He realizes after a moment that he’s blocking the entire door and moves out-of-the-way for her with a smile and a chivalrous hand
gesture.  She smiles courteously and hurries up the stairs.  Bernie takes another look at the building then heads up the stairs.

int. hallway outside Allyson’s apartment – day

Bernie approaches the door of the apartment again to find the woman who passed him at the stairs fumbling with her key in the lock.

Bernie

You’re…

Allyson

Yes.  And you’re…

Bernie

Mmm Hmmm…

She smiles.

Allyson

Well, now that introductions are over with…

He smiles awkwardly.

Bernie (v.o.)

Her name was… well, is Allyson. And, for a moment, I forgot my annoyance.

She finally unlocks the door and with the same chivalrous hand gesture, ushers him into the apartment.

int. Allyson’s apartment – continuous

Allyson drops her keys to the left of the door and motions towards the table.

Allyson

You can get set up right here.  I’m sorry I was late, I had trouble on the train.

BERNIE

Oh that’s alright…

She walks into the bedroom.  Bernie puts his briefcase down on the table, opens it and begins to remove papers and a tape fed calculator.

Allyson (o.S.)

Catherine…

Bernie (v.o.)

That’s my sister

Allyson (o.S.)

Told me you go by Bernie.

Bernie

Yeah, well… I actually prefer Bernard, but my mom was the only one who’d ever call me that.

Allyson (o.S.)

I’ll just be a moment.

Bernie

Take your time, I’m just about set up.

He waits for a long moment, pen in hand.  Staring across the table towards the bedroom.

A toilet flushes and Allyson reenters.

Allyson

Alright, lets get started,

(she smiles)

Bernard.

Bernie moves some papers over to her side, hands her the pen and starts pointing at different parts of the paper as the sound fades out.

Bernie (v.o.)

It was the most fun I’ve ever had doing taxes.  I felt comfortable with her… like I could be myself… heh, I even told a few jokes.

psychiatrist (v.o.)

Were they funny?

Bernie (v.o.)

No, well… I don’t think so…

(solemn then smiling from ear to ear)

but she laughed.

Experiment #64

Love & Taxes Part 2 of 3

int. psychiatrist’s office – day

We look over the shoulder of the psychiatrist at Bernie who sits in a chair across from her.  We can just barely see notes on the clipboard over her shoulder, “lonely, neurotic, unable to communicate with women“.

psychiatrist

What happened next?

Bernie

I was too nervous to ask her out so I shook her hand and left… by the time I was out the door, I was sure she wouldn’t’ve said yes, by the time I got to the train, I was sure she would have been horrified at the thought, and by the time I got to my house I was sure she would have punched me and thrown me out of her apartment.

psychiatrist

Is this a common way of thinking for you?

Bernie

Yeah… but it’s usually right.  For once… it wasn’t.

(Pause)

My sister called me a few days later and said Allyson was askin’ about me.  I must have called and hung up about fifteen times after that. The last time she picked up before I could hang up.

int. kitchen – Bernie’s apartment – day

Bernie holds the telephone in his hand.

Allyson (v.o.)

Hello?

Bernie

Oh, ummm… Hi… A-Allyson, it’s Bernie… errr… Bernard.

Allyson (v.o.)

Hi, how are you?

Bernie

I’m good… I-I-I was wonderin’, if you’d like to go the movies on Friday?

Allyson (v.o.)

Oh, Bernard, I’m sorry… I can’t…

Bernie (v.o.)

My heart fell through my shoes.

Bernie

Oh, well… You know, that’s ok… I understand…

Allyson (v.o.)

No wait, Bernard, you don’t understand… I can’t go Friday, but I’d love to go Saturday. If you’re free that is…

Bernie

Great!  It’s a date then!

Allyson

(slyly)

Yes, yes it is.

Bernie (v.o.)

I almost peed myself.

Allyson (v.o.) (cont.)

So you’ll pick me up at seven?

Bernie (v.o.)

I was barely able to grunt an affirmative.

Allyson (v.o.)

ok, see ya then, Oh and Bernard?

BERNIE

Yeah?

ALLYSON (V.O.)

Next time let it ring a little longer.  It’s really hard to get to the phone on the first ring.

BERNIE

You knew?

ALLYSON (V.O.)

(she laughs)

Caller ID.

BERNIE

Oh.

ALLYSON (V.O.)

(smiling through the phone)

See ya at seven.

int.
psychiatrist’s office – day

psychiatrist

And the relationship progressed from there?

Bernie

(smiling as he remembers)

Yeah it went great.  We had dinner, went to the movies.  She even likes comic book movies.  Everything went great for almost a year, until she blindsided me one day…

int. Bernie’s apartment – day

Allyson and Bernie sit facing each other on opposite ends of the couch laughing and talking.  Her sock clad feet are in his lap and he holds them with his hands.

Allyson

(laughing)

You are in rare form tonight, Bernard.

Bernie smiles a bit sheepishly.

Allyson (cont.)

Oh, do you wanna have dinner on Friday night?

Bernie

Oh, I can’t the new season of galactic space wars starts Friday and I wanna be up on my trivia for the conference this weekend.

Allyson

(smiling)

A nerd convention doesn’t count as a conference.

Bernie

(with mock pain)

That cuts deep, Ali, that cuts deep.

She throws a pillow at him.

Allyson

But, seriously, Friday night is the only night I have off from the hospital this week and you’re gonna be away all weekend…  can’t you tape it?

Bernie

(resistant)

I could…

Allyson

But I wanna see you.

Bernie

I always let you watch the shows you wanna watch.

Allyson

(getting perturbed)

Bernard, that’s not the point.

Bernie

Why do I have to sacrifice the shows I wanna watch, while you get to watch all the shows you wanna watch?

Allyson

Well it’s all about you isn’t it?  I try to spend some time with you and it becomes my fault?

Bernie

but…

Allyson

Bernard, this isn’t the first time…

She gets up.

Bernie

I’m sorry, I can tape the show…

As she speaks, she gathers her things, and puts on her shoes.

Allyson

You’re not getting it.  It’s not about the show.  It’s about you.

BERNIE

But…

ALLYSON

Bernard, I love you, but I think its time for you to decide what’s more important to you, me and our relationship or you and Galactic Star Battle.

Bernie

Galactic Space Wars…

Allyson

Whatever!

She walks out of the room and slams the door behind her.

Experiment #65

Love & Taxes Part 3 of 3

int. psychiatrist’s office – day

Bernie

That was a week ago and I haven’t seen her since.

psychiatrist

How does this make you feel?

Bernie

You don’t understand, Doctor, I’ve been over this a thousand times and… and… I know I’ve got my problems, but that’s not why I’m here.

psychiatrist

Why are you here then?

Bernie

(ashamed)

Because I didn’t know what else to do, I didn’t know where else to go.

psychiatrist

I’m not sure I understand…

Bernie

You see I’ve never been good with people, especially women…

psychiatrist

What do you mean?

Bernie

(tears beginning to well up)

I didn’t have any other woman to go to… to ask…  I couldn’t go to Catherine… She’d just take Ali’s side… Not that she’s wrong… I just…

psychiatrist

Just what?

Bernie

(tears flowing freely)

I just want her back, Doc.  I screwed up, I screwed up real bad, and I want her back.  I made a TV show more important than her.  I made it more important than the only woman who’s ever loved me.  She actually said that, that she loved me, and I threw it in her face.  For a TV show?  A TV show?  You’re a doctor, what the hell is wrong with me?  She’s the only person I’ve ever been myself with.  She’s the only one who’s ever understood me, who’s ever even cared to understand me and I gave it all up. I let her walk out the door. I’ve done the stupidest thing a man can do. I’ve made my bed and now I’m lyin’ in it… alone. And the worst thing is that I don’t know how to change it.  I don’t know how to tell her I’m sorry.  I don’t know how to tell her… how I feel.  To tell her that she’s the only one for me.  That I want her face to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see when I go to bed.  I want to grow old with her… I want to be there for her and hold her close when she’s scared… I love her, Doc. I really, really love her and I don’t know how to tell her… I don’t know how to tell her…

The Psychiatrist pauses as the man rocks back and forth weeping before her.

psychiatrist

Go, Bernie, tell her that.  Tell her what you just told me, and if she’s as a good a woman as you say, I know she’ll take you back…  Go, Bernie. Now, while it’s still in your heart and still in your mouth. Tell her now. Love shouldn’t have to wait.

Bernie walks from the room, gaining speed with every step.

ext. city streets – day

Bernie runs through the city, hops on a train, then runs up to Allyson’s door.

int. hallway outside Allyson’s apartment – day

Bernie bangs on the door.

BERNIE

Allyson!  Allyson!  It’s me! Open up!

After a minute or two, Allyson, opens the door.

ALLYSON

Bernard, what are you doing here?

BERNIE

Allyson, I’m so sorry.  I was wrong.  I’ve been so stupid.  I don’t deserve a woman like you….  Could you… could you ever forgive me? Could you ever take me back?

He moves towards her for a hug and she hesitates but accepts him.

ALLYSON

(through smiling tears)

That depends… will you still do my taxes?

He comes up from the hug and smiles, through his tears, into her tear filled eyes.

BERNIE

For the rest of your life, if you let me.

ALLYSON

I think that can be arranged.

She pulls him into the apartment, and door closes behind them.

FADE OUT.