Experiment #66

Lies Dad Told Me

The blood bank began as a bargain between humans and vampires. We give blood and the vampires don’t eat us.

Ghosts are kids who didn’t listen to their parents. They’re forced to wander the earth trying to set right that terrible wrong.

The universe is like an orange. (He didn’t elaborate beyond that)

If you don’t dry the dishes the water on them turns to poison. Do you want to drink poison?

The five second rule is a law of nature.

Blu-ray was invented by a sad man named Ray who just wanted to watch movies in high-definition.

In my day, pants were one-legged. (When I was older I asked if that meant he wore skirts. He mumbled something about smart mouth kids.)

They expect you to take free samples in multiples of ten.

The shot won’t hurt at all.

Your belly button is like the button on your coat it’s just for your skin.

Mom’s part dragon, on her mother’s side.

Grandma’s all dragon.

Being cheesy is a sign of intelligence.

The gnomes in the front garden will eat your feet if you step on Mom’s plants

People used to put unwanted plumbs down the drain, which would clog it, so they’d call the plumb-er who would get rid of the unwanted plumbs. Pretty soon they invented trash cans and people threw unwanted plumbs there, but the name “plumbing” had already stuck.

It’s not cancer.

I’ll be alright.

Hospital food is great!

Jello is the food of the gods.

The nurse is making passes at me.

It’s pronounced “key-mo-therapy,” because it didn’t work right at first. Then a doctor named “Mo” came along and got it working. He was “key” to its success. Hence, key-mo-therapy.

Doctor Mo said I’m the best patient he’s ever had.

You’ll be okay without me.

I’ll see you on Monday.


Experiment #87

Places Dad Lied About

The Long Island Sound is a noise peculiar to Long Island.

England is where Mr. and Mrs. Eng settled, and started an empire, hence “Eng” land.

Pancakes is short for Panama cakes, while Flap Jacks were simultaneously invented in Flapagonia.

They’re called the Finish because they complete tasks before everyone else.

It’s called Turkey, where do you think the birds come from?

New England was settled by their son, New.

High fives were originated by mountain tribes.

Peninsulas are the illegitimate children of Pennsylvania

The moon is not made of green cheese. Anyone can see it’s more of a yellowish white cheese.

It’s called “Maine” because it used to be central to the US like a Main Street. Then everybody migrated south and they added the “e” to feel important again.

Antarctica was originally ruled by a species of sentient ants.

Connecticut is a “short cut” from Rhode Island to New York. You know, it “connects” them.

Greenland and Iceland got switched at birth.

The man in the moon is the third member of Neil and Buzz’s team whom they left by accident. Luckily he has plenty of cheese to eat.

Rhode Island was an island until the first ice age, with global warming it’ll soon be an island again.

You’ll love this place.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the tracks.

Smaller is better. You and your brother will be best friends. Who needs their own room?

A good coat of paint and it’ll look brand new.

We’ll be happy here, just you wait.

Your Mom’ll be back here soon.

Experiment #109

Lies Dad Told to Protect Me

Just like garlic wards off vampires, vegetables ward off monsters. Particularly the kind I saw under your bed this morning.

You eat one more bite of that Sundae and you might explode. I’ve seen it happen before… with your older brother. (“I don’t have an older brother,” I said) Nope, not anymore. Better let me finish that for you.

Paper cuts can be fatal.

You can run away if you want, but I won’t be responsible if the mountain lions eat you.

Who wants to see the final game of the World Series anyway?

That’s totally Ninja. See that dark spot by his fin? He’s always had that. What? You really think I went to the store and found a fish exactly like him? Seriously?

If you wander too far from me in the store you’ll be outside my protection zone. The warlocks have been eyeing you lately. Better stick close.

This medicine tastes like ice cream.

It’s just a flesh wound, I’ll be fine.

Well… that’s how I lost a finger. (But you still have ten) Yes, but I once had fifteen.

Nah, it looks fine, your arm is supposed to bend that way. It’s totally fine, but since Mom’ll freak out, we’ll go have it checked out, ok?

Robot hunters patrol the streets outside our development. They seem programmed to go after children who aren’t where they belong.

She died on impact.

She never felt a thing.

It’s not your fault.

Experiment #112

Scientists Dad Lied About

Frederick Nerney — first described how and why those little balls appear on clothes of certain fabrics

Geronimo Fuzz — first to name the different species of dust bunny

Colonel Samuel Diaper — while stationed in Manila, his wife went out by herself for the first time since having their child. When the infant soiled his clothes Colonel Diaper, with some difficulty, cleaned the baby up. Not wishing to change all of the clothes again he wrapped the baby’s bottom in a rag. The rest is history.

Ludwig Von Wiggenstein — invented the German variety of the modern hairpiece, often called a toupee in honor of his wife’s childhood nickname.

Jeremiah Klink — researched the various tones of bells. Remained extremely interested in non-musical sounds.

Gamma Ray — invented lasers and radiation, building upon the work of his father, Beta, and his grandfather, Alpha and naming several types of radiation for them. Gamma, however, did not want his son, Delta, to become a scientist. He secured him a good job in the grocery business as Gamma believed his family needed a change.

Dr. T. R. Ducken — the first zoologist to see the Turducken in the wild.

Norbert Crosswalk — instrumental in defining the standard colors and stripe widths on the crosswalks that bear his name. By weird coincidence pedestrian paths were already called crosswalks, but that never stopped Norbert from setting the record straight at dinner parties and on public transportation.

Aldus Wifflewaffle — researched various aspects of a variety of things to determine if those aspects were indicative of other properties. Results were inconclusive.

Admiral Lincoln Log Nelson — invented children’s building blocks

Botchedo Ermanus — Fourteenth century scientist known only for failure. Eventually when an experiment went wrong or human error skewed the results it was said that someone “Botchedoed” it. Later it was shortened to “Botched.”

Octagonous Stop — invented the stop sign. Later worked with Trinity Yield and Onus Way to develop the Yield and One Way signs respectively. His work was also instrumental in the development of highway markers and, of course, rest stop signs.

Luscious Maximus Superbo — third century Roman philosopher who invented superlatives.

Lionel Forest — discovered that men who did not play gulf at least once a week were surly, mean and hard to live with. Though the results were printed in several prestigious, peer-reviewed journals and avowed by many famous, influential, and totally real scientists, Mom is still skeptical.

Experiment #161

Awkward Stories Mom Told Me

Once, when I was a little girl, I saw a unicorn… It was really just a horse with a stick glued to its head, but it was still magical.

I once thought I could travel through time, but then I found out your grandmother had just set the clocks back for daylight savings.

I once built a sand castle in the middle of my bedroom. I found sand in everything for two years. 

You remember Roy, don’t you? He was such a nice drug dealer. The world just doesn’t spit out people like that every day. 

Aunt Catherine and I used to play every day at the beach until mean old Mr. Collins yelled at us for climbing his fence, pouring water in his sandbox, and holding down his three year old daughter Sara until she cried and got out of the sandbox.

When I was a little girl we played Russian roulette with a tire iron and a garden spade. We never knew there was a possibility of not getting shot. 

At age ten I claimed a hill and called it New Alexandria. It was quite fun until they improved the security at the dump.

I once had a kitten too, until it ran away to become Toonsy the Feral Wonder in the traveling sideshow. She was such a good cat… Even with all the biting…

Artichokes always make me think of growing up in Antarctica. I know, Pittsburgh isn’t anywhere near Antarctica, but that hardly seems to matter now.

My brother gave me the nickname “deadbeat” when I was very small and owed him a nickel. He still calls me that or he would if we’d spoken in the last twenty years. But I got the best of him. I still have his nickel. 

Your father proposed to me on our wedding day, which I remember clearly because it was the same day we met. Wait, that wasn’t your father…

You know, she never quite reached puberty, no matter how long she lived. 

I wish I could find a magical warlock gifted with the power of mending broken hearts and kitchen bowls. 

Despite all your father’s professions, I never quite knew how much he loved me until he was gone.

Experiment #178

History Dad Lied About

The Russo Prussian war was named after Peter Russo from house of Cards who did a lot of historical research on it.

Mozart was raised by a group of wolves, hence his first name.

Star Wars should be in your history book. Just cuz it was in a galaxy far far away doesn’t mean you can’t study it.

Neapolitan is an anglicization of Napoleon who liked it when things came in three varieties.

Rome was not built in a day, but a day and a half. Union breaks and all…

The United States was named after Amerigo’s assistant, Unus Statos

Ghengis was the best con artist this world has ever seen.

The Chinese New Year happens a month later because of where they are on the globe.

Abraham Lincoln did not invent the Lincoln log, but he did readily endorse it as a wonderful, “rustic” toy.

Hogan’s Heroes is totally educational. It gives a good historical perspective of Nazi prison camps.

Greece was named that because their chief export was bacon fat, they just changed the spelling so it wouldn’t confuse people.

Your mother was in love with me from the first day she saw me.

I was the one who played hard to get.

She married me the first chance she got.

You weren’t an accident. We planned you.

Experiment #184

Half Truths Mom Told Me

Babies are… They come from… It’s magic.

In all my twenty-nine years, I’ve never seen..

If I were your age, I’d think you were the handsomest boy in the class.

We’ll just put it in the wash. Your father’ll never know the difference.

Aunt Laverne pinches because she cares… Well, you are “just the cutest little boy there ever was.”

Most kids would be happy to wear a sweater with such an interesting design.

There are a lot of kids who don’t GET to eat peas.

Video games will turn you into a brainless zombie… Not the cool kind!

What? The TV just turned itself off! You know, I had told you that five times through was plenty, I guess the TV agreed…

That’s just a word to describe how wonderful you are.

It’s okay, that necklace wasn’t special. It was just really old… my great-grandmother’s…

I’ve gotta work late tonight. My boss won’t have it any other way.

I’ll just be gone a few days. My boss and I have a conference.

Nonsense. Your step-father loves you almost as much as your real father.

The new baby won’t change a thing.

Experiment #274

Lies Dad Told About the Colony

The colony will be the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Blue skies, warm breezes, and golden seas are waiting.

Every house has a robot servant. (What are you going to program ours to do?)

The colonists play hologames and have concerts every week.

Your mom is going to love it.

She’s wanted to go away for as long as I can remember.

I’ve got a job already lined up.

Everything’s fine. Mom just needs some time at Grandma’s to prepare for the trip.

They have water slides and space jumps at recess!

Your mother and I still love each other.

We’re just taking a break.

We’ll be able to go back to Earth whenever we want.

Yes, it’s my weekend.

I don’t know where Mom is.

There’s nothing wrong, we just need to go… so we don’t lose our spot.

I don’t hear any sirens.

You’ll blink and we’ll be there.

Mom will come visit as soon as we get settled.

Yes, it is unusually cold.

No, Mom hasn’t called.

There’s plenty of food to go around.

The policeman just came to say, “Hi.” That’s all.

The other colonists left because they can’t handle it like we can.

I’m not hungry.

Take my blanket. It’s not helping me anyway.

That was just a statue you saw. I’m sure our neighbors are safe and warm.

It’ll taste like chicken when we cook it right.

Mom will come with the spring transport.

We’ll be a family again.

We’ll make it.

Experiment #324

Dad’s List of Accomplishments

Figured out cold fusion (in a day).

Found the sock that was lost in the laundry.

Solved division by zero.

Lead Jacque Cousteau on all his famous missions (and several minor ones).

Solved the Reimann hypothesis.

Came up with Murphy’s law. (“But how come it’s not named after you?” I once asked. “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong,” he replied.)

Ended the Cold War.

Found his own keys.

Predicted the dot com boom…and bust.

Has never been lost.

Invented deep-fried Twinkies.

Wrote the Sherman Anti-Trust Act, before that jerk Sherman took all the credit.

Did not go to the moon, but won an engineering competition with a project that became the basis for the lunar rover.

Invented skateboarding with three wheels and a two-by-four.

Won the national spelling bee at the age of four.

Found the North Pole with his assistant Nicholas Kristopher Kringle.

Got Tina into the right rehab program.

Turned her life around.

Brought our family back together.

Experiment #330

Lies Dad Told About His Experiment

The results thus far are really promising. 

This could cure cancer. 

This study will get published for sure. 

It’s totally safe.

It’s ready for human trials. 

Look how happy those lab rats are. 

Your eyebrows will grow back. 

And so should most of your hair. 

That’s an expected side effect. 

I knew this would happen. 

Hair normally grows there. 

That’s not a side effect; it’s a bonus. 

This has never happened before

Everybody gets a panic attack every once in a while. 

Some people want orange skin

Rash? What rash?

The lab rats never had those symptoms

Numbness means it’s working

It’s reversible. 

No one will notice.

You’ll be okay. 

She’ll still love you.