Experiment #3

A Ph.D. in Super Evil (Part 1 of 2)

“The world has laughed at me,” said a short bespectacled man in a white lab coat. His hair was meticulously ruffled and his eyes were set at the exact width for elaborating on schemes of world domination. He stood in front of a large, sheet-covered object. “But I shall not suffer at their hands any longer!” he continued. “From now on they shall tremble and, possibly, if I’m lucky, scream with horror at the name… Dr. Loofapants!”

A gelatinous blob, his friends call him Blobby, cheered and shouted from the first row of an empty group of chairs. Beyond a few rats, who didn’t stay for the show, Blobby had had a hard time rounding up a good audience in Dr. Loofapants’ deep under-mountain Lair of Despair™.

“With my most dastardly deed yet,” Dr. Loofapants said, “I will show them the meaning of terror. Behold,” Dr. Loofapants yanked off the sheet, “The Dinosaur of Death™(pending)!”

A fifteen-foot tall stegosaurus robot stood upright on two legs.  The shiny black metal with red accents twinkled in the low light of the laboratory.

“Wow!” Blobby said. “Pretty!”

“It’s the Dinosaur of Death™(pending), Blobby. It’s not supposed to be pretty,” Dr. Loofapants said.

“And yet your aesthetic tastes have shown through quite well,” Blobby said. “Gold star!”

Dr. Loofapants sighed. “Just release it on the mild-mannered town below, please,” he said.

Blobby oozed over to the control panel. He pulled a lever and hit some buttons. A door opened in the side of the mountain.

“Arise, my creation!” Dr. Loofapants shouted. “and destroy the mild-mannered town below!”

The Dinosaur of Death™(pending) stomped off down the mountain.

“Ha, ha, ha, ha haaaaaaa- *cough* *hack* *wheeze* Ok, close the door, Blobby,” Dr. Loofapants said. “You’re letting the pollen in.”

2 hours later

“So, Blobby,” Dr. Loofapants said as he found his minion in the Lair of Despair’s™ TV Lounge, (his Evil Video Interface Laboratory™ (E.V.I.L.) Control Room was currently being remodeled). “How much destruction has my Dinosaur of Death™(pending) dealt?”

“News reports are just coming in, my esteemed mad scientist,” Blobby said as he switched to the news station.

The Active News jingle sounded and the local anchor came on screen.

“In breaking news,” the anchor said, “A giant robot dinosaur entered town today-”

“This is it, Blobby,” Dr. Loofapants said, “my hour of glory.”

“Shhhhh” Blobby said. “We’re missing it.”

“-everything in sight,” the anchor continued. “It didn’t stop with lampposts, shrubs and small children, no, it went on to take care of the middle-aged and elderly as well.”

“Ha ha!” Dr. Loofapants said. “In your face, Evil Overlord Society! Insufficient evilness, my slightly elongated toes!”

The news anchor continued, “Residents have dubbed it the Hug-o-saurus because it’s so full of love… and hugs!”

Dr. Loofapants stopped celebrating.

“The Hug-o-saurus,” the news anchor said, “will be giving out hugs until at least midnight, but with the way the line looks right now, it might take a few days to give out all this love.”

“Did you set the behavior dial to ‘super evil’?” Blobby asked, “Or ‘sunshine and roses’? They’re pretty close alphabetically speaking…”

“If you’d like to be hugged by a giant, love-filled, robotic dinosaur,” the news anchor said, “and I know I’m getting in line, come on down to-” BLAM BLAM.  The TV fizzled and died.

“Hey!” Blobby said, “Gelatinous Disco was coming on next.”

Dr. Loofapants put his laser gun back in its holster and stormed off.

“Somebody needs a hug,” Blobby said.

3 days later

Dr. Loofapants stood in front of a giant laser. He skipped the sheet this time (and the trademark paperwork).

“Open the doors, Blobby,” he said.

Blobby flipped the switch and the lab doors opened. The mild-mannered town looked inviting, nestled between two foothills.

“Now, Blobby, with this cloud seeding laser,” Dr. Loofapants said, “I’ll turn the mild-mannered town below into a Winter Weather Wasteland! Ha ha ha ha *cough* *hack* *wheeze*” He cleared his throat.  “Pollen levels seem unusually high for this time of year… Flip the switch!”

“It’s actually more of a lever,” Blobby said.

“Blobby, we’ve had this conversation, *cough* don’t correct me while I’m in mid-scheme,” Dr. Loofapants said. “Just pull the lever, please. *hack*”

“Come to think of it maybe it is more of a switch,” Blobby said.

Dr. Loofapants reached toward his holster.

“Flipping,” Blobby said.

The cloud-seeding laser shot into the sky. The clouds over the mild-mannered town below immediately started producing snow, sleet, and hail.

“Bwa ha ha ha *hack* *cough* *wheeze* *choke*… I have got to do something diabolical to these allergies.”

4 hours later

Blobby sat in front of his duct taped TV set watching the local news. Dr. Loofapants came in as the weatherman began his report.

“Shooooooo-wweee,” the weatherman said, “Say goodbye to tree spores and spring, record snowfall today: five feet of snow in just under four hours. Lucky for us the Hug-o-saurus took a break from huggin’ to help out and clear the streets. We should rename him Shovel-o-saurus. By Golly, it’s business as usual thanks to him, just a lot more fun! It’s truly a winter weather wonderland!”

Blobby was quick on the draw and turned the TV off before Dr. Loofapants’ laser came out of its holster.

“Maybe you’re just not supposed to be evil,” Blobby said.

“Nonsense,” Dr. Loofapants replied, “The Loofapants have been mad scientists for centuries.” Dr. Loofapants whipped out his laser BLAM, BLAM and shot the TV for good measure (or evil measure, depending upon how you look at it). “Besides I have a Ph.D. in Evil.” He blew off the tip of his laser. “Soon those mild-mannered town folk will rue the day they first heard the name Loofapants!”

To Be Continued Next Week…

Experiment #4

A Ph.D. in Super Evil (Part 2 of 2)

2 days later

Dr. Loofapants ran into the lab holding his cell phone. “Great news, Blobby. I’ve just found a band of marauding pirates who’ll sack and destroy the mild-mannered town in my name. They plan to stay for a whole week! Soon they shall rue the day they heard the name, Dr. Loofapants!”

6 hours later

“What news, Blobby?” Dr. Loofapants asked. “Any day rue-ing yet?”

Blobby switched on the ailing TV. It spluttered and stumbled into life, as the Active News jingle played.

“And finally in a terrible turn of events, pirates have invaded our town” the news anchor said, “and their show is sold out!

“Yes, the Merry Pirates of Milwaukee have been singing and dancing their way into our hearts all day and plan to play a full week of shows at the Fozzworth theatre.

“Due to high demand for their merriment they’ve added matinées as well.  But don’t expect to pay for this amazing, joy-filled show; one Dr. Loofapants, who lives on the outskirts of town, has fully financed this for the town’s enjoyment.

“And the best part is that the Hug-o-saurus will be joining them for the finale, and giving out his patented hugs after the show. So if you see Dr. Loofapants, smile and say thanks for us. We shall never forget the day we first heard your name, Dr. Loofapants.” Pirates suddenly invaded the newsroom and began singing and dancing with the anchors and newsroom staff. It was like a musical in real life, but with worse acting.

Dr. Loofapants reached for his laser, but it wasn’t in his holster. Blobby casually turned off the TV. “I sent the laser out for cleaning,” Blobby said, “Wouldn’t want your diodes to clog.”

Dr. Loofapants shivered for a moment and lost it. “Oh Blobby, I’m a failure!” he cried. “I’m washed up, a has been, a pure waste of good evil. Everything I do turns out… turns out nice.”

“You could try being nice,” Blobby said.

Dr. Loofapants looked up, hope filled his eyes. “Oh Blobby,” he said, “you evil mad genius!” He grabbed the phone and dialed. “Hello? How much yogurt can you get me by tomorrow? Can you double it by Tuesday? Good.”


Dr. Loofapants entered the TV room. “Blobby,” he said “Lets see what my scheme of niceness hath wrought.” Blobby switched off The Young and the Gelatinous and put on the news. “Salmonella?  Food poisoning? What terrible thing has resulted from my niceness?”

“Dr. Loofapants has started a reign of terrrrrific-ness,” said the anchor. “If you haven’t gotten your free yogurt yet come on down to Battery Park. The Hug-o-saurus will be handing out hugs and yogurt cups for the rest of this evening.

“Through intense investigative reporting this newscast has learned that our friend Dr. Loofapants is responsible for nearly all of the wonders we’ve reported on these past few weeks. The yogurt, the pirate show, the winter weather wonderland, and, yes, even the Hug-o-saurus were all born from his loving genius. So from all of us here at Active News, Thanks Dr. Loofapants, you’re a really great guy, and we’re so glad you’re around.” The Merry Pirates of Milwaukee, the Hug-o-saurus, the weatherman, and the rest of the newsroom all walked on the screen and started singing a hymn of thanks to their hero, Dr. Loofapants.

Dr. Loofapants sulked for days.

Many happy people came to his Lair of Despair™ to thank him, but he wouldn’t see them. Before they could go away angry though, the Hug-o-saurus swung by and they left happier than they’d come.

This plunged Dr. Loofapants further into despair. He couldn’t be evil when he tried to be evil; he couldn’t be evil when he tried to be good; and he couldn’t even be evil when he didn’t try at all.

After days of turning hugs, snow, pirate and yogurt seekers away, Blobby slimed down to Dr. Loofapants’ basement room with a clean laser and the ailing TV set.

Dr. Loofapants made a half-hearted attempt at firing the laser, but missed the TV and set the paisley curtains on fire. Even this didn’t cheer him up. He’d stolen them from a sweet old lady with a cane and now even this evil deed was burning away.

Blobby enveloped the flames.

“Why don’t you go find some other evil master, Blobby?” Dr. Loofapants said. “I hear Colonel Disaster is hiring.”

“Nah, the most evil thing about him is his benefits package,” Blobby said. “At least hear I’ve got Dental… just wish I had teeth.”

“Just go, Blobby.” Dr. Loofapants said, “You’re the best henchman, a mad scientist could ask for, but I’ll never be the master you need me to be. I’ll never be evil. All I’m good for is good.”

“Dr. Loofapants,” Blobby said, “You’re perfectly evil. Remember that time you stole candy from that small child? He cried for a very long time.”

“Yes, that was evil,” Dr. Loofapants said, brightening. “…Till his mother thanked me for preventing cavities…” Tears fell again.

Blobby paused in what passed for thought in his gelatinous head. “Wait, Dr. Loofapants,” Blobby said, “Have you ever heard of ‘killing them with kindness’?”

3 weeks later

Dr. Loofapants stood in front of a large swath of land, dotted here and there with sheet-covered contraptions. A ribbon stretched across the space behind him. In front of him a crowd of thousands hung on his words.

“Welcome, my… friends,” Dr. Loofapants said, “to Loofapants Land, the first ever pirate themed ski resort and yogurt bar for under-hugged children!”

The crowd cheered.

Dr. Loofapants never quite got the hang of being evil, but he did find a way to use his talents.  And most importantly, no one ever laughed at him again.