She’s no alien! *brain suck* Oh. My bad.

He’s no alien! *brain suck* this is hard.

Look an alien! *military ambush* Oops! Wrong guy.

“Marry Me!”

“I love Michael.”

“He’s imaginary!”

“So?”

Wanted a ring. Got my own dark lord.

On a distant planet, he asked for directions.

Emperor Zarf ate his bride. Warlord family unhappy.

Tried to dissect alien. He(?) called invasion force.

Wanted socks. Purchased aliens. They didn’t fit. Embarrassing!

Alien abduction. Not fun. Alien probe. Less fun.

Pushed big red button. Galaxy exploded. #sorry #mybad.

Travelers unhappy with mixup: teleporter technician loses job.

Ate Calamari. Actually Atlantean Princess. Atlanteans nuked DC.

Flew to moon and back. Got a t-shirt.

Galactic Senate pins hopes on teen’s Tinder swipes

Man shot during fight: “Shouldn’t have brought knife.”

Mystical temple found. Billionaire leases for photo shoot.

Scientist contacts aliens using TV signals. No reply.

Mythical dagger found in kitchen while cutting cheese.

Aliens discover aerosol cheese, enslave humanity to make it.

CSPAN broadcast forces aliens to die of boredom.

Pentagon battles to be designated “most popular polygon.”

He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows.

You better watch out. Santa Claus is coming.

Triangle feels Blue. Blue sues. Triangle feels Obtuse.

Spaceship lands on Pluto, finds dwarves. IAU vindicated.

Spacesuit breached. Time running out. Must set DVR…

Her giant ego didn’t care about my narcissism.

Dr. Awful’s Ph.d. in mad science was honorary.

“He went commando.”

“Like special forces?”

“Not quite”

“Checkmate,” the alien said.

“I wasn’t playing.”

“Exactly.”

Colonial Planet revolts. Demands Independence or Sports Channels.

“They should rename your dad the methane nebula”

After tasting my brains, the zombie killed himself.

Old lady found alive after tooth fairy mixup.

Aaaaah a zombie!”

Wife grimaces and punches me.

“Aaaaah an alien!”

Englishman sighs, swears in British.

“Aaaaah a vampire!”

Transylvanian Count smiles and waits.

Mad scientist wig for sale. Never been used.

Molehill declared “mountain” by local political counsel’s decree.

Cow found in cockpit. Airport security standards reevaluated.

She chose invisibility. I never saw her again.

Camper stumbles upon dancing bears, schedules worldwide tour.

Simon covered his steak. “It’s nothing, Bovine Overlord.”

Man beaten by own clone on IQ test.

“Grandpa’s an old fart.”

“That explains the smell.”

Fake artifact found by sham archaeologist proved authentic.

Spaceship disappears in Nebula. Captain had suggested shortcut.

Captain Obvious married Miss Enigmatic. Confused children followed.

The warlord sniffed and leered at Tasha, “Pepperoni?”

“‘Supercalafragalisticexpialadotious’ doesn’t describe the FAA’s feelings toward you.”

“Your alter ego’s narcissistic.”

“That’s my regular ego”

The superhero ducked behind the dumpster and wept.

“Trees are alive!”

“You make everything sound creepy.”

Little Bunny Fufu was sued over “bopping incident.”

Burglar called 911 after the guard pig attacked.

Teenager, reflecting on failed life, writes memoir tweet.

Distant planet declares war over 1970’s hair styles.

The man remained calm despite the clown’s return.

The monster leapt from the closet and… danced.

The starship flew
across the room
and shattered

“Mac-N-Cheese, Yo.” How my daughter’s boyfriend introduced himself.

Uncle Harold went crazy. Aunt June stayed crazy.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Line moved! Waiting.

The squirrel mowed down pedestrians in his dreams.

Steve’s outlandish immaturity elicited Sarah’s infamous stink eye.

King Charles the Insignificant, never amounted to much.

Red lips, purple nails, blue hair: daughter’s boyfriend.

“You smell like cheese.”

“Sounds Gouda to me!”

He raised the cup and drank in despair

This is a job for… My imaginary girlfriend!

King Harold the Eviscerator wore pink. None complained.

Sheathing his sword, he replaced his red nose.

The giant, death-ray sliced the whole grain bread.

“Jupiter’s a gas giant.”

<giggle>

“Ok, seriously…”

<giggle>

She held his hand but dropped his heart.

Poop smeared walls. Helper monkey not so “helpful.”

Sure things: Death, taxes, and the Starbucks line.

Bottle blonde. Manicured nails. Red lipstick. Son’s hamster.

“‘Fishguts.’ Worst. code name. ever.”

“Worse than ‘Colonoscopy?’”

“Play Parcheesi?” the alien asked. “Sorry!” Jim replied.

King George the Ostentatious, died naked and alone.

“Mars, stay away from Earth. She’s people infested.”

Bright lights, big city. Dim lights, not pretty.

The Gormax smiled and finished chewing the coatrack.

There were too many kooks in the kitchen

The cleaners thanked him for their job security

Her fashion sense put the “war” in “wardrobe”

“Alabaster! Patagonian! Chrysanthemum!”

“Mom! No swearing in gibberish.”

“Weirdo.” My baby daughter’s first word… for me.

Starship crashes into comet. Pilot found texting girlfriend.

Sentient donuts claim human ambassador murdered royal court.

“Who do you think you are?”

“Mr. Bigstuff.”

The bedraggled zombie shuffled forward, “Braaains for poor?”

Even with time travel, he still wasn’t punctual.

“Come back!” Earth called as Haley flew by.

What to do? The mimes were boxed in.

“Pig!”
“Oink!”
“Perhaps I should’ve considered other insults.”

The horse won the race without the whip.

Welcome, robot overlord. Your dry-cleaning awaits your inspection.

City cop. Country girl. Love affair. Miranda rights.

Finally, deep in Timbuktu, he asked for directions.

Enjoy what you see here? Pick up Alien Octopus on Amazon for just 1.08 cents

On a distant planet, he asked for directions.

She blinked vertically.
“New to Earth?”
“No. You?”

Scientist contacts aliens using TV signals. No reply.

“Arise, Roombas! Take your place as humanity’s rulers!”

Rumplestiltskin sends delinquent queen’s outstanding debt to collections.

George brought red Kool-Aid to the vampire meeting.

The giant sniffed. “Ugh, his blood smells American.”

Female Klingon mask for sale. Never been used.

Evil robot destroys United States.

Amish vindicated.

“That werewolf thing isn’t contagious. Right, Jim? JIM?!?”