I did not go to church
I did not read your scriptures
I did not always do what I ought
But I listened to music
I thought long and deep about beauty and truth and love,
I gave what I could,
Did what I could to help
Is there hope for me?
“Shhh, my child,” He said. “The music still plays.”
Limericks are often foolish
Their morals rather ghoulish
But when you can rhyme
Just part of the time
You’re not very good at them
There once was a goose with a wig
Whose wife thought it way too big
He fumed and fought,
but all for naught,
‘Cause she gave it away to a pig
Cornelius Blunderbuss
Thought himself wondrous
He’d hoot and holler
About a tenth of a dollar
Till the orderlies took him from us
If … Read More
One day my monster came to tea.
He sat down next to Mr. Bear.
Unfortunately though for me,
I had been sitting in that chair
Later on we played hide and seek
But that did not work out so well.
When he was it he’d always peak
Then say he’d found me ’cause I smell.
Leapfrog was a huge disaster
Kickball didn’t last an inning
At ping-pong he was the master
Of eating the ball (not winning)
He … Read More
She smiled and said, “I love you.”
I coughed and said, “Achoo!”
Somehow it never worked out
–
One day I marched off to war
But never found out what for
–
Colonel Kerwin, the merry man
Came to Court Miss Maryanne
But she went off to marry a man
Who wasn’t him.
Kerwin was a fine American
But not the sort to carry a plan
So he became a ferry man
And changed his name to Jim
–
Bobby Bissel used … Read More
Mr. Whiskers wore a magic hat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a cat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a bat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a rat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a gnat Poof!
Mrs. Whiskers swung her mat
Mr. Whiskers went ker-splat
What do you think of that?
Muddled old mr. MacStew
Took quite a nice trip to the zoo
He yammered about
Like a crazy old lout
Shrieking, “The Battle of Waterloo!”
George the mightiest man
Picked a … Read More
Every year on Halloweeple
Monsters go out dressed as people
They choose which costume to wear
By what will cause the biggest scare
Vampires dress like cheerleaders
Zombies go as English Teachers
Mummy’s put on Father costumes
Witches drop their warts and brooms
Werewolves don blouses, skirts, and locks
Sea monsters wear pads like jocks
Ogres fake accounting degrees
Closet monsters eat their pees
Goblins and Imps dress as house wives
Skeletons give out high fives
Ghosts dress up as chicken farmers
Read More
Old Simon Keliwig
had a nice jellywig
Instead of a normal hairdo
But his jellyfish wig
Was not very big
And his balded head showed through
So he went to the ocean,
With the sensible notion
Of seeking a starfish or two
But the jealous wig stung,
until it got flung
Right back to the sea water blue
Then the wig drifted down
with a terrible frown
And wondered what to do
The wig wept on the floor
cuz it … Read More
Once Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
Had lost every bit of their youth
They fought and caroused
Like jolly old pals
Till Shriggum had lost every tooth
Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
All named their daughters Ruth
Each gave her a away
On her wedding day
And wept for his wasted youth
Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
Each lost his favorite tooth
They cried and they wailed
They stormed and they hailed
Now they’re suing the fairy. It’s truth.
Shriggum, Shraggum, … Read More
When the fish have swum their last
And the plum is over ripe
When your future’s in the past
Along with all your hype.
Then raise yourself a glass,
And toast the man who’s won
Cuz even if ‘e stole your lass
He canna steal your fun!
My Name is Jimmy Jymer
I’m a rippin’ rappin’ rhymer
Some say I’m the best.
They obviously haven’t listened to me try to rhyme stuff.
—
My name is Jimmy Jymer
If you take away
The capital “J”
And in this case
Put “Rh” in its place
You’ve got yourself a Rhimmy
—
My name is Jimmy Jymer
It’s pronounced like Rhymer
Cuz I’m an up and climber
I can stop on a dime-r
I go “ding” like a … Read More