Experiment #88

Awkward Book Titles

Ever read The Number 7 in Your Pants: A History of Quality Assurance or Floater in The Pool: An Encyclopedia of Inflatable Rafts? Books whose cover you probably won’t want to flash around.

Experiment #87

Places Dad Lied About

The Long Island Sound is a noise peculiar to Long Island. England is where Mr. and Mrs. Eng settled, and started an empire, hence “Eng” land. Pancakes is short for Panama cakes, while Flap Jacks were simultaneously invented in Flapagonia.

Experiment #79

The Office Book of Shame

Sarah Wright allowed her meeting to go over its scheduled time by seventeen minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

Clarence Phelps ate the last donut in the kitchen AND left the box on the counter.

Leonard Hopkins plays music at his desk ten decibels above acceptable limits.

Samuel Gilchrist leaves his lunch in the group fridge until it smells.

Jennifer Johnson does not provide IT support, despite it being directly spelled out in her job description.

Christina Sellers does not pick up … Read More

Experiment #74

Things to Remember

Throwing a light bulb at someone’s head is not the same as giving them an idea

Although your roommate’s prescription pill bottles are custom built for carrying pills, they do not make a good travel container for Tylenol, or so Officer Lebowittz tells me.

Bringing a knife to a gun show isn’t a good idea either.

The homeless man who draws numbers in notebooks probably won’t make the best accountant.

Just because monkeys share DNA with humans it does … Read More

Experiment #73

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Thanksgiving Edition

Turkey: (n.) What Mom calls the key to Dad’s heart.

Ham: (n.)  Something my Mom calls my Dad when he sees his buddies from high school.

Sweet potatoes: (n.) Weird orange knobby things that are neither potatoes nor sweet.

Smashed potatoes: (n.)  Potatoes you throw off the second floor balcony.

Stuffing: (n.) What Aunt Bertha says she’ll hug out of me.

Cranberry Sauce: (n.) Can shaped deliciousness.

Succotash: (n.) A game you play when you try to suck Lima beans and/or corn into your mouth … Read More

Experiment #66

Lies Dad Told Me

The blood bank began as a bargain between humans and vampires. We give blood and the vampires don’t eat us.

Ghosts are kids who didn’t listen to their parents. They’re forced to wander the earth trying to set right that terrible wrong.

The universe is like an orange. (He didn’t elaborate beyond that)

If you don’t dry the dishes the water on them turns to poison. Do you want to drink poison?

The five second rule is a law … Read More

Experiment #57

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Zoological Edition

Wolverine: (n.) A wolf who drank too much pool water.

Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden.

Polar Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden using poles.

Tortoise: (n.) A fancy name for land turtles.

Jack Rabbit: (n.) Current President of the United Coveys of Rabbitdom (according to Dad).

Tom Cat: (n.) Vice President of the Urban Feline League (according to Dad he lost the election to Ali Cat by just nine votes, leading Dad to suspect … Read More

Experiment #43

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Dinosaur Edition

Neanderthal: (n.) Dad before coffee.

Homosapien: (n.) Dad after coffee.

Stinkosaurus Rex: (n.) My baby sister, Sam, in a used diaper.

Australocrazious: (adj.) Dad after he came back from a business trip to Australia and tried (and failed) to do the accent for three weeks straight.

Fossils: (n.) The stuff at the back of the fridge that’s so old you can’t remember when you originally had it for dinner.

Cretaceous: (adj.) The word Dad made up when he tried to get my friends … Read More

Experiment #40

The Dictionary Of Gerald Grey: Medical Edition

Cancer: (n.) what Janie has that makes her sick.

Bald and Beautiful: (n.) the fashion style Janie now prefers

Beep Beep: (n.) the sound of Janie’s life

Visiting Hours: (n.) the best hours of the day

Tumor: (n.) Bad

Malignant: (adj.) Worse

Metastasize: (v.) Worst

Crying hours: (n.) the ones after Visiting Hours

Bed surfing: (v.) what Janie does to let the nurses know she cares

Hospital: (n.) Janie’s new home for a while

Oncologist: (n.) the lady who knows the bad, the worse, and the … Read More

Experiment #31

Note to Self

Use less cologne.

Don’t bring up super hero movies.

Girls do not seem impressed by your impersonations of the cast of the original Star Trek.

Maybe you should find a wingman.

Find a wingman who doesn’t scare away the girl you were talking to.

Find a wingman who doesn’t leave with the girl you were talking to.

Find a wingman who doesn’t dance on the bar, rip off his shirt, and scream, “I am the King of Fancy Pants!” Every time … Read More

Experiment #26

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Nouns

Toysamania: (n.) The country mom says we live in after Christmas.

Uguwoogu: (n.) The sound dad makes after he hits his thumb with a hammer. Usually followed by jumping around, arm flailing and words you’re not supposed to say.

Doomface: (n.) The look on my mom’s face when I’ve done something bad and I know it and she knows it, but she hasn’t said anything yet because she wants to talk to Dad when he gets home.

Smotherhugger: … Read More