Experiment #129

Things I Wish I Could Take Back

The itchy sweater from Aunt Glenda

The shiny green and neon pink necktie from my teenager

The wet glue from the dried macaroni blob my nephew gave me

The kilt and matching turtleneck from my brother and his wife

The piece of “modern art” that looked like someone puked on paper and folded it into a hat from Aunt Bernice

The fruitcake from Uncle Bob (as well as the one from my cousin Vanessa and the one from my great-aunt … Read More

Experiment #120

Things that Scare Me

Food that requires refrigeration only after opening it

The lady in apartment 3B

Surgeon General’s warnings

Finding someone I love and losing them

Finding someone I’ll never love and keeping them

Waking up in an unfamiliar place

Public Bathrooms

Hexagons

Private Bathrooms

Saying “Yes” when I should say “No”

Saying “No” when I should say “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.”

Saying “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.” When I should–Really I can’t imagine that going … Read More

Experiment #119

Alternative Measures

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Bacon Strip
Equivalence: The best thing you’ve tasted today = 1 bacon strip (Some have complained that this is too subjective and variable to be a useful measurement, others have eaten a strip of bacon)

What: Money
Unit: Burritos
Equivalence: Amount / price of burrito = number of burritos you could get or could have gotten

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Muffin Tops
Equivalence: 1/2 strip of bacon = 1 Muffin Top. Some have found measuring the … Read More

Experiment #118

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Cosmological Edition

Primordial Era – The time before smart phones.

Stelliferous Era – The time that guy in that movie had before he screams out “Stella!”

Degenerate Era – What Dad says we entered when my sister, Janie, started dating “that boy”.

Black Hole Era – According to Dad it’s the teenage years.

Dark Era – Any night Janie’s boyfriend comes over.

Olber’s Paradox – The two doctors who treat Mr. Olber.

Cosmology – The search to figure out why Janie loves certain magazines.

Cosmogony – Janie’s … Read More

Experiment #112

Scientists Dad Lied About

Frederick Nerney — first described how and why those little balls appear on clothes of certain fabrics

Geronimo Fuzz — first to name the different species of dust bunny

Colonel Samuel Diaper — while stationed in Manila, his wife went out by herself for the first time since having their child. When the infant soiled his clothes Colonel Diaper, with some difficulty, cleaned the baby up. Not wishing to change all of the clothes again he wrapped the baby’s bottom … Read More

Experiment #111

Community Bulletinboard

3/12
Cutest Kittens ever!

For sale $2, 2 for $3 Call Jim at 524-7856 ASAP

Cuteness cannot be contained!

5/6
Lost Kitten

Extremely cute kitten with black and white spots, enjoys crumpets with his tea and playing dress up. Answers to the name Princess Lubbel Pants. Call Sarah’s Mom at 453-2268

5/7
All Your Sitting Needs!

Fun and witty college senior looking to care for children, pets, plants, and/or houses. All your sitting needs in one place. Call Jenna at 583-4421. She’s standing by … Read More

Experiment #109

Lies Dad Told to Protect Me

Just like garlic wards off vampires, vegetables ward off monsters. Particularly the kind I saw under your bed this morning.

You eat one more bite of that Sundae and you might explode. I’ve seen it happen before… with your older brother. (“I don’t have an older brother,” I said) Nope, not anymore. Better let me finish that for you.

Paper cuts can be fatal.

You can run away if you want, but I won’t be responsible if the … Read More

Experiment #108

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Geometric Edition

Rhombus: (n.) When a guy named Rhom drives your school bus

Parallelogram: (n.) Two telegrams sent at the same time.

Square: (n.) What Dad calls Mom when she won’t let him eat a double chocolate fried Twinkie.

Rec-tangle: (n.) What Mom calls all the cords behind the computer desk.

Triangle: (n.) The musical instrument I’m best at.

Sphere: (n.) When you go past fear; equivalent to terrified.

Geometry: (n.) What Dad claims a nut yells after it grows up. (I think there’s … Read More

Experiment #106

Searching for Love…

Search terms submitted by a single user over the course of five days.

Experiment #105

Stuff I Made Up

Spitzfu: a martial made up of completely original poses NOT taken from Karate Kid plus spitting.

The rumor in high school about Jackie kissing Sam which caused Jackie’s boyfriend Rich to break up with her. Jackie did not date me afterwards.

The job where I was Director of Logistical Awesomeness at a startup that didn’t exist.

The land of Pluma where the flowers all bloom into ferocious cats and the nights are filled with screaming.

My girlfriend Sarah.

My girlfriend … Read More

Experiment #100

List of Contacts

1. My Wife 2. My son’s school 3. Bert’s Pizza & Subs. Some pizza place I swore was the next big thing but have only ever ordered from once.

Experiment #96

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Psychiatric Edition (DSM5b)

GetOutOfMyRoomatoka: Territorial neurosis characterized by shouting, screaming and general overreacting when a younger sibling enters your room.

Experiment #95

Office Book of Fame!

This is a direct sequel to The Office Book of Shame. They are best when read sequentially.

Sarah Wright makes excellent cupcakes.

Clarence Phelps made coffee when it wasn’t his turn.

Leonard Hopkins refilled the water cooler WITHOUT being asked.

Ginny Wilkins has great hair.

Samuel Gilchrist once opened a door for me while I was carrying something.

George Smith… has a dog that jumps really high.

Jennifer Johnson once fixed a virus issue, or at least I heard she did, and … Read More

Experiment #94

Tips for Living in the Internet Age

Learn to love cat pictures or die a lonely death.
There are no email lotteries.
Hot, nude “girls” only want you credit card number and/or your identity, not you.
If someone needs your help getting money into the country, it’s probably not legitimate.
Just because it got a million views on YouTube doesn’t make it any less inane.
Reply All is not the same as Reply. My bad, Boss.
There’s no one weird trick for anything.
For your own health, safety, and … Read More

Experiment #89

Existential Questions

What do they call a Danish (the pastry) in Denmark?

If two lesbians go on a date, who pays?

Where does a guy named Sheila go to the bathroom in Australia (or at least at an Outback)?

What are pickled peppers and why would you pick them?

Do you think I’d look slimmer if I lost weight?

Why is “short” longer than “long”?

If daylight savings time is more than 50% of the time shouldn’t it be called standard time?

Why would … Read More