Bruce Banter – the Hulk’s loquacious evil twin (now you know the source of his rage)
Captain Marble – a young man who had the power of turning things into a type of felsic intrusive igneous rock. No one knows why he chose the name Captain Marble (since that’s a metamorphic rock), but later biographers assume he did not wish to be taken for Granite.
HawkGuy – Through a botched ritual, Simon Kestrel, turned his arms into wings and his nose into a beak, but due to the limitations of physics could not actually fly. He walked around spreading his wings and claiming to know celebrities.
The Incredible Hank – A normal guy who had the ability to stand an egg on one end. Turns out to be useless in battle.
Captain Amerigo – the sixteenth century cartographer is back and he’s going to bust a map on crime in the New version of York. Prepare to be shown where to go, criminals. He later helped put together the Founding Fathers, a group of historical superheroes who’d been frozen, lost in a time warp, angered an ancient god, invented a time machine or turned out to be an immortal alien. Including Magellan (who needs a superhero name when your last name’s Magellan?), Ben “Lightning Kite” Franklin, The Sons of Flight (Orville and Wilbur Wright), Patrick “The Liberator” Henry, and Grover “Double Jeopardy” Cleveland.
Luke Playpen – Boy would he stop some super villains until they’re like 2 or 3 years old.
Arachnid Man – with the proportional strength of an arachnid and a dysfunctional personal life executives thought he’d be a crowd favorite in no time. Turns out they were wrong about Deter Parker.
The Averagers – Accountant superheroes with the power to balance books and find numerical discrepancies. Fan response was mediocre, except among employees of the IRS.
The Scarlet Itch – brought superpowered itching to a fight, unfortunately she could only make herself itchy.
Pant Man – A guy who wore pants. Besides lacking in action, his comic books were often bared from stores because he never wore a shirt or shoes.
Nicholas Peeved – Leader of the secret Committee On New Governments, Elections, And Liberty Enforcement Department (CONGEALED). You don’t want to get him mildly irritated.
Irony Man – sang the Alannis Morrisette song wherever he went. After which he’d stop and say, “Now isn’t that ironic?”
The Gasp – Chronically surprised superhero. Defeated when he passed out after a villain continually surprised him and prevented him from exhaling.
Door – Ancient god of entryways. Wielder of the mighty Knob. You don’t want him to hit you on the way out.
Average Boy – His gifts were hard work and finding the best in people, but his comic died out because no boy could ever see himself in the title role. A comic for the masses, read by a mass of really, really special people.
