The blood bank began as a bargain between humans and vampires. We give blood and the vampires don’t eat us.

Ghosts are kids who didn’t listen to their parents. They’re forced to wander the earth trying to set right that terrible wrong.

The universe is like an orange. (He didn’t elaborate beyond that)

If you don’t dry the dishes the water on them turns to poison. Do you want to drink poison?

The five second rule is a law of nature.

Blu-ray was invented by a sad man named Ray who just wanted to watch movies in high-definition.

In my day, pants were one-legged. (When I was older I asked if that meant he wore skirts. He mumbled something about smart mouth kids.)

They expect you to take free samples in multiples of ten.

The shot won’t hurt at all.

Your belly button is like the button on your coat it’s just for your skin.

Mom’s part dragon, on her mother’s side.

Grandma’s all dragon.

Being cheesy is a sign of intelligence.

The gnomes in the front garden will eat your feet if you step on Mom’s plants

People used to put unwanted plumbs down the drain, which would clog it, so they’d call the plumb-er who would get rid of the unwanted plumbs. Pretty soon they invented trash cans and people threw unwanted plumbs there, but the name “plumbing” had already stuck.

It’s not cancer.

I’ll be alright.

Hospital food is great!

Jello is the food of the gods.

The nurse is making passes at me.

It’s pronounced “key-mo-therapy,” because it didn’t work right at first. Then a doctor named “Mo” came along and got it working. He was “key” to its success. Hence, key-mo-therapy.

Doctor Mo said I’m the best patient he’s ever had.

You’ll be okay without me.

I’ll see you on Monday.