Seeking hero to save me from dastardly villain.

Requirements:

Strength. I’m currently chained to the floor by said dastardly villain. Most extraction scenarios require at least some amount of strength to bust through a wall and/or rip apart the chains.

Good swimmer. Given that I’m chained to the bottom of a well and that that well is currently filling with water, unless you hurry, you will need to swim to get me out.

Very Quick. This is not only because the WELL IS FILLING WITH WATER, but also because there’s a shark swimming around me. Don’t worry. With my current wounds and the amount of blood in the water the shark should ignore you. But I’d appreciate it if you arrived very quickly.

High Intellect. A door has been placed at the top of the well and can only be opened by solving a logic puzzle. Brawn without brains need not apply.

Martial Arts. Beyond the natural benefit of being able to punch the shark in the face, you’ll also need to subdue a team of well trained ninjas who are guarding the top of the well.

Heat Vision/Use of a Blow Torch. The whole thing, ninjas, shark, well and all are encased in a vault of three-inch steel. Don’t bother looking for an air duct or other way to get in. The vault is hermetically sealed and air will be running out shortly (particularly with the ninjas practicing their deadly attack moves.) See very quick requirement above.

Capable of Flight. It matters little to me whether it’s natural or through some type of vehicle. But seeing as we’re high up in remote mountains some amount of flight will be required to get up to the location where I’m being held.

Preferable:

Impervious to lasers, sharks, ninjas, drowning, and media attention.

Flair for the dramatic

Literate and/or within close enough proximity to hear my screams

And above all punctual.