Experiment #221


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Experiment #119

Alternative Measures

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Bacon Strip
Equivalence: The best thing you’ve tasted today = 1 bacon strip (Some have complained that this is too subjective and variable to be a useful measurement, others have eaten a strip of bacon)

What: Money
Unit: Burritos
Equivalence: Amount / price of burrito = number of burritos you could get or could have gotten

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Muffin Tops
Equivalence: 1/2 strip of bacon = 1 Muffin Top. Some have found measuring the … Read More

Experiment #108

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Geometric Edition

Rhombus: (n.) When a guy named Rhom drives your school bus

Parallelogram: (n.) Two telegrams sent at the same time.

Square: (n.) What Dad calls Mom when she won’t let him eat a double chocolate fried Twinkie.

Rec-tangle: (n.) What Mom calls all the cords behind the computer desk.

Triangle: (n.) The musical instrument I’m best at.

Sphere: (n.) When you go past fear; equivalent to terrified.

Geometry: (n.) What Dad claims a nut yells after it grows up. (I think there’s … Read More

Experiment #73

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Thanksgiving Edition

Turkey: (n.) What Mom calls the key to Dad’s heart.

Ham: (n.)  Something my Mom calls my Dad when he sees his buddies from high school.

Sweet potatoes: (n.) Weird orange knobby things that are neither potatoes nor sweet.

Smashed potatoes: (n.)  Potatoes you throw off the second floor balcony.

Stuffing: (n.) What Aunt Bertha says she’ll hug out of me.

Cranberry Sauce: (n.) Can shaped deliciousness.

Succotash: (n.) A game you play when you try to suck Lima beans and/or corn into your mouth … Read More

Experiment #59

Silly Limericks

Limericks are often foolish
Their morals rather ghoulish
But when you can rhyme
Just part of the time
You’re not very good at them

There once was a goose with a wig
Whose wife thought it way too big
He fumed and fought,
but all for naught,
‘Cause she gave it away to a pig

Cornelius Blunderbuss
Thought himself wondrous
He’d hoot and holler
About a tenth of a dollar
Till the orderlies took him from us

If … Read More

Experiment #54

The World Stench Competition Part 4 of 4

Back at his box my Dad pulled out all the stops and hoped the baked beans he’d eaten at lunch would come out in time. He looked upset and when I asked, he told me what happened. I was all for going straight to the judge, but we had no proof and everything would end up as his word vs ours.

When the judge came to my Dad’s box he took a good whiff. Then he … Read More

Experiment #53

The World Stench Competition Part 3 of 4

The next morning, after a breakfast that included a variety of cheeses, baked beans and garlic, the competitors headed to their stench training. Several guys went for long runs and a few went to find the skunks as well as a population of bombardier beetles, stink bugs, and great fields of stink weed that were brought in to bring nuance and refinement to the various smells each contestant brought to the island.

My Dad decided not … Read More

Experiment #52

The World Stench Competition Part 2 of 4

Bacontopia had been bought and named during another marketing stunt, this time by a food packaging company from Chicago. They eventually abandoned it for insurance reasons as the amount of bacon eaten by the average visitor was fourteen times the recommended daily limits set in place by the FDA. US law didn’t really apply there, but no insurance company was going to take that bet either. The eventual sale, however, gave the World Stench Competition … Read More

Experiment #51

The World Stench Competition Part 1 of 4

My Mom had always said my Dad was a “stinky one,” but we didn’t realize it was a talent until we saw the flier for the “World Stench Competition.”

It seems a decade or so earlier the marketing departments of a few perfume, cologne and deodorant companies had gotten together to find the world’s stinkiest person. The winner got a good scrubbing, a lifetime supply of deodorant and perfume/cologne, and a year of celebrity as the … Read More

Experiment #27

Mr. Whiskers & Other Poems

Mr. Whiskers wore a magic hat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a cat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a bat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a rat Poof!
Mr. Whiskers became a gnat Poof!
Mrs. Whiskers swung her mat
Mr. Whiskers went ker-splat
What do you think of that?


Muddled old mr. MacStew
Took quite a nice trip to the zoo
He yammered about
Like a crazy old lout
Shrieking, “The Battle of Waterloo!”


George the mightiest man
Picked a … Read More

Experiment #17


Every year on Halloweeple
Monsters go out dressed as people

They choose which costume to wear
By what will cause the biggest scare

Vampires dress like cheerleaders
Zombies go as English Teachers

Mummy’s put on Father costumes
Witches drop their warts and brooms

Werewolves don blouses, skirts, and locks
Sea monsters wear pads like jocks

Ogres fake accounting degrees
Closet monsters eat their pees

Goblins and Imps dress as house wives
Skeletons give out high fives

Ghosts dress up as chicken farmers
Read More

Experiment #12

The Jellywig

Old Simon Keliwig
had a nice jellywig
Instead of a normal hairdo

But his jellyfish wig
Was not very big
And his balded head showed through

So he went to the ocean,
With the sensible notion
Of seeking a starfish or two

But the jealous wig stung,
until it got flung
Right back to the sea water blue

Then the wig drifted down
with a terrible frown
And wondered what to do

The wig wept on the floor
cuz it … Read More

Experiment #10

The Limerical Adventures of Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth

Once Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
Had lost every bit of their youth
They fought and caroused
Like jolly old pals
Till Shriggum had lost every tooth

Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
All named their daughters Ruth
Each gave her a away
On her wedding day
And wept for his wasted youth

Shriggum, Shraggum, and Shrooth
Each lost his favorite tooth
They cried and they wailed
They stormed and they hailed
Now they’re suing the fairy. It’s truth.

Shriggum, Shraggum, … Read More

Experiment #2

Jimmy Jymer

My Name is Jimmy Jymer
I’m a rippin’ rappin’ rhymer
Some say I’m the best.
They obviously haven’t listened to me try to rhyme stuff.

My name is Jimmy Jymer
If you take away
The capital “J”
And in this case
Put “Rh” in its place
You’ve got yourself a Rhimmy

My name is Jimmy Jymer
It’s pronounced like Rhymer
Cuz I’m an up and climber
I can stop on a dime-r
I go “ding” like a … Read More