“We knows what you made it for.” Auggy Winkle called out. He sat on a horse at the sheriff’s right hand. “You coulda just come to me.” The scruff and hooligans that made up the rest of the posse thought that rather funny.
“I doubt your wife would have let you,” Mama said.
The scruff and hooligans liked that even more’n Auggy’s comment.
Mama turned to the Sheriff. “Herb, what’ve I done?”
“You ought to know. That there, what … Read More
When I drove the cart up next to the barn, Mama came out of her shop.
“Whacha doin’, Lizzie?” she asked. A piece of lace stuck out from under her shirt in a way I wasn’t used to seeing. She had a grin I’d only seen on the Cooper girls’ faces when they were talkin’ ‘bout a boy.
“Where’s Rolland?” Mama asked.
Then her eyes drifted over to the wagon. She let out a scream that startled the … Read More
At our house, Rolland would lift us out and escort us inside. Never came in the house though. Once we were indoors he’d take up his post out on the front porch. He’d sit there rattling like a teakettle on boil till Mama got home or finished up in her workshop in the barn. After that he’d set hisself up in the barn while the rest of us ate whatever Jessie cooked up. She was … Read More
After Papa died, Mama built a bronze steambot to take us to school. She said it wasn’t safe for four girls to walk there by themselves. So the steambot would set us all in the back of the wagon and trot off with it like a horse.
Our one room schoolhouse was filled to the brim with name callers, brats, braggarts, and hooligans. So’s you can guess what happened the first day he took us to … Read More
Dinner didn’t agree with him… about being eaten
The Kraken fried the chefs like calamari. Comeuppance.
“Who do you think you are?”
“Your Mom.”
The goat surrendered herself, ending the Cheese War
Hacker tried to steal own identity, but failed.
“Moron!”
“Well, the same to you, Captain Obvious”
“Whaddja name your puppy?” Simon asked.
“Ummm… Simon…”
Little by little the cancer ate her away.
“That’s ok, Alien Overlord. No one liked Florida.”
“I got this,” Dad said before the disaster.
“You sure this is safe?”
Zzzzzzap!
“I was.”
Gadzooks bent and … Read More
“Mars, stay away from Earth. She’s people infested.”
Bright lights, big city. Dim lights, not pretty.
The Gormax smiled and finished chewing the coatrack.
There were too many kooks in the kitchen
The cleaners thanked him for their job security
Her fashion sense put the “war” in “wardrobe”
“Alabaster! Patagonian! Chrysanthemum!”
“Mom! No swearing in gibberish.”
“Weirdo.” My baby daughter’s first word… for me.
Starship crashes into comet. Pilot found texting girlfriend.
Sentient donuts claim human ambassador murdered royal court.
“Who do you think you are?”
“Mr. … Read More
*kiss*
I love you!
I love you!
That’s okay. I know where your heart is.
No big deal, I mean it’s fine.
Look, I’m sorry about the whole thing. I just wanted to try something new. To draw us closer together.
*silence*
That goes triple for me!
I can’t stand you or your mother.
You’re so full of yourself.
At least I’m trying to make a difference.
New things are fine, your crazy desire to re-engineer human interaction, that’s the problem.
Me? You’re the one who can’t … Read More
1. Take the Galmorean Bow in your right hand.
2. Stretch the string to below your left foot. Be very careful not to let the string go (unless you already have children and have no need of more.)
3. Take two fingers of your left hand, reach around behind your head to grab the far side of the string. (Again, do not let it slip. Many Galmorean youth have lost ears for their inattention.)
4. Chant the Tahk … Read More
Uncle Harold went crazy. Aunt June stayed crazy.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Line moved! Waiting.
The squirrel mowed down pedestrians in his dreams.
Steve’s outlandish immaturity elicited Sarah’s infamous stink eye.
King Charles the Insignificant, never amounted to much.
Red lips, purple nails, blue hair: daughter’s boyfriend.
“You smell like cheese.”
“Sounds Gouda to me!”
He raised the cup and drank in despair
This is a job for… My imaginary girlfriend!
King Harold the Eviscerator wore pink. None complained.
Sheathing his sword, he replaced his … Read More
The warlord sniffed and leered at Tasha, “Pepperoni?”
“‘Supercalafragalisticexpialadotious’ doesn’t describe the FAA’s feelings toward you.”
“Your alter ego’s narcissistic.”
“That’s my regular ego”
The superhero ducked behind the dumpster and wept.
“Trees are alive!”
“You make everything sound creepy.”
Little Bunny Fufu was sued over “bopping incident.”
Burglar called 911 after the guard pig attacked.
Teenager, reflecting on failed life, writes memoir tweet.
Distant planet declares war over 1970’s hair styles.
The man remained calm despite the clown’s return.
The monster leapt from the closet and… … Read More
Molehill declared “mountain” by local political counsel’s decree.
Cow found in cockpit. Airport security standards reevaluated.
She chose invisibility. I never saw her again.
Camper stumbles upon dancing bears, schedules worldwide tour.
Simon covered his steak. “It’s nothing, Bovine Overlord.”
Man beaten by own clone on IQ test.
“Grandpa’s an old fart.”
“That explains the smell.”
Fake artifact found by sham archaeologist proved authentic.
Spaceship disappears in Nebula. Captain had suggested shortcut.
Captain Obvious married Miss Enigmatic. Confused children followed.
Dr. Vapor leaned over his fifth glass of Glarfan Ale. “I killed someone once.”
“Really?” Sarah asked, eyes wide.
Vapor nodded. “It’s true. A girl from Flerdill province.”
“Why?”
“She was naughty,” Vapor said. “Extortion, blackmail, and… beauty. But never so beautiful as you.”
Sarah giggled. “I heard no weapon was found.”
“I used one of my Vapor spears. Hard as rock for an hour then *poof* dissolves into thin air.”
Vapor laughed, then suddenly sat up. “Wait. How did you know … Read More
Her giant ego didn’t care about my narcissism.
Dr. Awful’s Ph.d. in mad science was honorary.
“He went commando.”
“Like special forces?”
“Not quite”
“Checkmate,” the alien said.
“I wasn’t playing.”
“Exactly.”
Colonial Planet revolts. Demands Independence or Sports Channels.
“They should rename your dad the methane nebula”
After tasting my brains, the zombie killed himself.
Old lady found alive after tooth fairy mixup.
Aaaaah a zombie!”
Wife grimaces and punches me.
“Aaaaah an alien!”
Englishman sighs, swears in British.
“Aaaaah a vampire!”
Transylvanian Count smiles and waits.
Mad scientist wig for sale. … Read More
Galactic Senate pins hopes on teen’s Tinder swipes
Man shot during fight: “Shouldn’t have brought knife.”
Mystical temple found. Billionaire leases for photo shoot.
Scientist contacts aliens using TV signals. No reply.
Mythical dagger found in kitchen while cutting cheese.
Aliens discover aerosol cheese, enslave humanity to make it.
CSPAN broadcast forces aliens to die of boredom.
Pentagon battles to be designated “most popular polygon.”
He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows.
You better watch out. Santa Claus is coming.
Triangle feels Blue. Blue … Read More
Tim slammed the console with his fist. The robot’s LED eyes flickered and dimmed.
“Stupid, bot!” Tim shouted, “you were supposed to get us home.” Lorna put her hand on Tim’s shoulder. They alone had survived in the lifeboat. An accident they could only thank Tim’s misguided attempt to get Lorna alone for. The decompression happened too quick for anyone else to reach another lifeboat.
Lorna had done what she could to boost the lifeboat’s systems, but … Read More
