Spitzfu: a martial made up of completely original poses NOT taken from Karate Kid plus spitting.
The rumor in high school about Jackie kissing Sam which caused Jackie’s boyfriend Rich to break up with her. Jackie did not date me afterwards.
The job where I was Director of Logistical Awesomeness at a startup that didn’t exist.
The land of Pluma where the flowers all bloom into ferocious cats and the nights are filled with screaming.
My girlfriend Sarah.
My girlfriend … Read More
Her alarm still goes off. She’s been gone ten months and the alarm still goes off. Every morning at 4:43am on the dot, even on weekends. I’ve tried shutting it off, unplugging it, putting it under pillows, taking it apart, throwing it off the balcony and mailing it to Greenland. But every morning it goes off. Every morning the bed is cold. Every morning I wake up alone.
1. My Wife 2. My son’s school 3. Bert’s Pizza & Subs. Some pizza place I swore was the next big thing but have only ever ordered from once.
Ms. Peterson turned and looked at the line of squirming children snaking behind her. She rubbed her temples and grabbed a boy’s hand before he could pull his neighbor’s hair. She had dealt with all twenty-three of these kids all day at the museum without a parental chaperone or teacher’s aid to help.
GetOutOfMyRoomatoka: Territorial neurosis characterized by shouting, screaming and general overreacting when a younger sibling enters your room.
This is a direct sequel to The Office Book of Shame. They are best when read sequentially.
Sarah Wright makes excellent cupcakes.
Clarence Phelps made coffee when it wasn’t his turn.
Leonard Hopkins refilled the water cooler WITHOUT being asked.
Ginny Wilkins has great hair.
Samuel Gilchrist once opened a door for me while I was carrying something.
George Smith… has a dog that jumps really high.
Jennifer Johnson once fixed a virus issue, or at least I heard she did, and … Read More
Learn to love cat pictures or die a lonely death.
There are no email lotteries.
Hot, nude “girls” only want you credit card number and/or your identity, not you.
If someone needs your help getting money into the country, it’s probably not legitimate.
Just because it got a million views on YouTube doesn’t make it any less inane.
Reply All is not the same as Reply. My bad, Boss.
There’s no one weird trick for anything.
For your own health, safety, and … Read More
Superman said the roller coaster wouldn’t be scary and I believed him. I didn’t flinch when they pulled down the safety bar or when the attendant checked it with a yank or even when the coaster car pulled out of the station. But Superman lied.
1 Think about making a list.
2 Target your thinking toward actionable items.
3 Begin making a list on paper.
4 Add at least four items.
5 Check over your list thus far for spelling and grammatical errors.
6 If you find any issues in step 5, correct them.
7 Rewrite your list on a new sheet of paper so that everything is clean and easy to read.
8 Read through your list again.
… Read More
What do they call a Danish (the pastry) in Denmark?
If two lesbians go on a date, who pays?
Where does a guy named Sheila go to the bathroom in Australia (or at least at an Outback)?
What are pickled peppers and why would you pick them?
Do you think I’d look slimmer if I lost weight?
Why is “short” longer than “long”?
If daylight savings time is more than 50% of the time shouldn’t it be called standard time?
Why would … Read More
The Long Island Sound is a noise peculiar to Long Island. England is where Mr. and Mrs. Eng settled, and started an empire, hence “Eng” land. Pancakes is short for Panama cakes, while Flap Jacks were simultaneously invented in Flapagonia.
Now you have the full story, as I understand it. I wish that I had shared this with you earlier, but I could never quite find the right time or the right way to bring it up, let alone the strength to get through it.
You deserve better than that, schmuck. He lied to you. For your sake and your kid’s move on. You’re better off without him.
Some nights while I’m tucking him into bed, we’ll lie there looking at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling and wonder where you are and what you’re doing. Peter always asks if you get to do Jesus’ taxes now or still just other people’s.
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