Chad danced through history class, tapped his feet through science, and snapped his fingers through math. “Weird” was the kindest of a long list of adjectives his classmates used. His teachers learned to ignore him.
This is often the place in the story where a kindhearted teacher or awkward kindred spirit comes in and finds the music in his soul. But that didn’t happen to Chad. He lived in your town and you did nothing.
Once, when I was a little girl, I saw a unicorn… It was really just a horse with a stick glued to its head, but it was still magical.
I once thought I could travel through time, but then I found out your grandmother had just set the clocks back for daylight savings.
I once built a sand castle in the middle of my bedroom. I found sand in everything for two years.
You remember Roy, don’t you? … Read More
Jeremy Rinkoff’s haircut (he has a mullet with a jerry curl)
Laura Smith’s picture of her mom
Dan Dooley’s thirty-eight pictures of his seventeen cats.
Gerald Beemus’ comb-over
Our company website
Larry Jackson’s jokes, particularly at the water cooler or when trying to impress Connie from accounting.
Liz Hammer from HR’s attempt to “make work fun”
Our clients’ excuses for why they haven’t paid us yet.
Carol Coolman’s cubicle dancing
Hank Loopa’s phone voice.
The company dress code.
Connie from accounting’s professional athlete boyfriend
The cookies from … Read More
Name tags pulled from thirty-seven events in the United States during a one year period and listed chronologically.
Robertous Cornelious Schwartznicov
King Robert of the Mohicans
Bob the Great
The Great Bobbino
Bobbalobba ding dong
Bob (It’s pronounced “Larry”)
Colonel Robert Mustard (with a knife in the kitchen)
Bobby (the wonder boy)
The Real Slim Shady
The artist formerly known as Bob
The artist formerly known as your Mom
Michael Bolton (no, really)
D-list … Read More
Somewhere in Eastern Europe where there’s nothing but unending cold and an Internet connection, a middle-aged man sat in his mother’s basement at a computer. He was short and balding. A beer belly poked out of his thin frame. He wore heavily rimmed glasses and a ratty t-shirt from a bat mitzvah in the 1980s.
He had not changed his clothes in over a week. Empty soda cans and candy wrappers littered the desk around his … Read More
Like when you’re young and feel that all you have to do to become famous is write a book because you’ve never read a book by anyone who wasn’t famous.
As if Santa had come to your house and left your ten year old brother a brand new bike, your sixteen year old sister a brand new car, and yourself nothing, not a lump of coal or an IOU, but nothing. You had been forgotten by … Read More
People who claim to know more than they do
Stories of your mother’s first date
Garage built weaponry
Bicycle shorts and/or Daisy Dukes
Anything as seen on TV
Girls who use your tooth brush
Jennifer Fitzpatrick and her promises
Ever out to dinner and can’t find something to wipe your dirty face? Don’t look further than your neck.
Formal style. Casual function.
It took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure out Flo Rida’s native state.
I have never beaten the first Super Mario Brothers game even though I have claimed to on several occasions.
I ate the last HoHo.
I do not love country music even though I told you I did to get you to go out with me.
My bunny tattoo does not commemorate a little girl who died far, far too young, but the loss … Read More
The itchy sweater from Aunt Glenda
The shiny green and neon pink necktie from my teenager
The wet glue from the dried macaroni blob my nephew gave me
The kilt and matching turtleneck from my brother and his wife
The piece of “modern art” that looked like someone puked on paper and folded it into a hat from Aunt Bernice
The fruitcake from Uncle Bob (as well as the one from my cousin Vanessa and the one from my great-aunt … Read More
Food that requires refrigeration only after opening it
The lady in apartment 3B
Surgeon General’s warnings
Finding someone I love and losing them
Finding someone I’ll never love and keeping them
Waking up in an unfamiliar place
Saying “Yes” when I should say “No”
Saying “No” when I should say “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.”
Saying “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.” When I should–Really I can’t imagine that going … Read More
Primordial Era – The time before smart phones.
Stelliferous Era – The time that guy in that movie had before he screams out “Stella!”
Degenerate Era – What Dad says we entered when my sister, Janie, started dating “that boy”.
Black Hole Era – According to Dad it’s the teenage years.
Dark Era – Any night Janie’s boyfriend comes over.
Olber’s Paradox – The two doctors who treat Mr. Olber.
Cosmology – The search to figure out why Janie loves certain magazines.
Cosmogony – Janie’s … Read More
Just like garlic wards off vampires, vegetables ward off monsters. Particularly the kind I saw under your bed this morning.
You eat one more bite of that Sundae and you might explode. I’ve seen it happen before… with your older brother. (“I don’t have an older brother,” I said) Nope, not anymore. Better let me finish that for you.
Paper cuts can be fatal.
You can run away if you want, but I won’t be responsible if the … Read More
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