Experiment #212

Confessions of a Shapeshifter

Dear Cassie,

I’m sorry I impersonated your grandfather at the costume party, particularly since he’s been dead for ten years.

It was wrong, I know that now.

In retrospect, an accurate representation of his body’s decay was unnecessary. I will not exhume another body for “research purposes.”

Please apologize to your mom and aunts for me. I should not have lifted my arms and shouted, “Braaaaaaains!” That was uncalled for.

I hope your younger cousins will not need much therapy.

Lastly, … Read More

Experiment #184

Half Truths Mom Told Me

Babies are… They come from… It’s magic.

In all my twenty-nine years, I’ve never seen..

If I were your age, I’d think you were the handsomest boy in the class.

We’ll just put it in the wash. Your father’ll never know the difference.

Aunt Laverne pinches because she cares… Well, you are “just the cutest little boy there ever was.”

Most kids would be happy to wear a sweater with such an interesting design.

There are a lot of kids who … Read More

Experiment #178

History Dad Lied About

The Russo Prussian war was named after Peter Russo from house of Cards who did a lot of historical research on it.

Mozart was raised by a group of wolves, hence his first name.

Star Wars should be in your history book. Just cuz it was in a galaxy far far away doesn’t mean you can’t study it.

Neapolitan is an anglicization of Napoleon who liked it when things came in three varieties.

Rome was not built in a … Read More

Experiment #175

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Martial Arts Edition

Deja Fu – when you feel like you’ve had this martial arts battle before.

Taekwondoughnut – what my mom always says after we get a fresh dozen

Karate – what Mom’s stew tastes like when she puts too many carrots in it.

Shoedo – the ancient art of throwing shoes at your opponent (sometimes spelled “Judo” for unknown reasons)

Aikido – What Uncle Art says before he laughs and after saying something that makes grandma blush

Combat – the scariest … Read More

Experiment #173

Monsters Among Us

Experiment #116

Colonel Sweater Part 4

“What’s this?” Stan asked. He shook the ad in Mr. Potts’ face.

“Colonel Sweater saving the world,” Mr. Potts said.

“This ain’t the miracle and it don’t look a thing like him.”

“Artistic freedom, my boy. If we want people to believe, we’ve got to get them in the door.”

“This ain’t the miracle.”

“Listen, Stan, everything I done, I done for you and that sheep there. You think I spent all that money on illustrations and advertisin’ for nothin’? … Read More

Experiment #115

Colonel Sweater Part 3

The next day Stan borrowed Miss Julop’s truck and took Colonel Sweater into town. He went to see Mr. Potts, the old theater director. Between his younger days on vaudeville, his middle years on the theatre circuit, and twilight years running the old theater, he’d seen just about everything. “What kind of ‘miracle’ sheep is this?” Mr. Potts asked.

“Well,” Stan said. “He grew his wool out long and fine, and it just kept growing, even … Read More

Experiment #114

Colonel Sweater Part 2

Stan spent the rest of that day bagging and cleaning the wool. As the sun went down he heaved the last bag into the barn where it’d be safe and dry till morning. He staggered back to the house and fell asleep on the dirty kitchen floor, tired, sore and happy.

The next afternoon, Stan borrowed his neighbor, Miss Julop’s, truck and loaded it up for market. Stan sold a bag at each of the sellers … Read More

Experiment #113

Colonel Sweater Part 1

Stan Wilkerson hurled dung at his own front door. He aimed at the eviction notice nailed there, but, as with many things in his life, the turds flew wide. His door and the front of his house started to turn an ugly shade of brown.

Stan had gotten the farm from his father, who’d gotten it from his father, who’d gotten it from his father. For over a century the farm had prospered from one Wilkerson … Read More

Experiment #107

The Beat Up Old Plymouth

That car had come into her lane not what the police report had said, but her word didn’t sway Jimmy. And when, a few days later, little Sam didn’t wake up, she woke up the next day alone.

Things spiraled from there. Her job in the coffee shop, even with overtime couldn’t overcome the bills. The eviction notice came faster than she’d ever thought. The shame, the fear, the judgement and nary a soul to share … Read More

Experiment #98

Listen

I did not go to church
I did not read your scriptures
I did not always do what I ought

But I listened to music
I thought long and deep about beauty and truth and love,
I gave what I could,
Did what I could to help

Is there hope for me?

“Shhh, my child,” He said. “The music still plays.”

Experiment #91

Maximized Utility Part 2

“I’m a web designer,” he said. “If something apocalyptic happens I’m about as useful as a bath tub on a sinking battleship ship.”

Experiment #90

Maximized Utility Part 1

“I know…” he said, “but most people ask me that to make me say something crazy…”

Experiment #80

The Trial

The man entered the expansive room slung between two guards. He was haggard, worn and beaten. Blood flowed from a fresh wound on his forehead, brown blood caked in his ragged beard. The guards placed him on the pedestal where he crumpled to the ground. He brought his hands up weakly to shield his eyes from the spotlights.

A rumble of anger rolled through the audience.

The magistrate stood up from his desk. He held up his … Read More

Experiment #69

All the Way to Daylight

Franklin sprinkled gasoline over a heap of papers and books. In his other hand he clutched a locket carved in the shape of a bird, or, more specifically, a phoenix.

The air split with an echoing scream. Anger, desperation, and longing wrapped together in one piercing screech.

Franklin threw down the gas can and pulled out a lighter. The otherworldly wail came again, closer.

Franklin flipped the lighter open and held it there, contemplating the fiery death he … Read More