“One time the Mounties were playing hockey and one broke a bone and we were like, ‘Glad you’re not American, eh?’”
“And a rather terrible stereotype…” Samuel’s mind raced. He’d known Thaddeus for years. “a useless anecdote… Several accents in the space of a few lines. Oh, no… he’s—the author—he’s a hack—and he’s editing…”
Samuel felt the tomb falling down around him. The ancient stone and inscription melted into an alien planet with bright purple walls and … Read More
Samuel dropped to the cold, stone floor. “It—it’s safe,” he said.
He stood in a dim, underground chamber with hand-smoothed walls. An intricate carving lay ten meters ahead of him. Thin and ghostly, in the twilight beyond his lantern’s reach, he focused hard on making out the bits and bobs of the language he had studied half his life.
He was an independent thinker; one the University couldn’t stop from completing this “fool’s errand.” If he was … Read More
A tenuous peace had reigned in the Smith household when Skittles yawned and said, “They love us more.”
“Nonsense,” Duke replied.
Skittles pointed to the immaculate cat tree and the overflowing cat feeder, then to the dirty dog bed and the empty dog dishes.
Duke growled. “We’ll see.”
The dogs, Roscoe and Duke, worked their puppy dog eyes and wagged their tails.
The cats, Skittles and Pinklionlady, ignored everyone.
The dogs didn’t want to just win; they wanted to destroy the … Read More
A portrait of Aunt Myrtle hung from a noose in our living room. The noose itself was just my father’s way of using whatever bits and pieces were about to do the task at hand. He also thought it’d be a nice conversation piece among visitors, if we ever had any.
Aunt Myrtle, my mother’s favorite aunt, had long black hair twisted together in a loose bun that spilled out the back in snake-like waves. Her … Read More
Not so many years ago, Wall Street had its very own wizard. He was typical of wizards–eccentric, bearded, and obsessed with numbers. He mumbled to himself and rarely bathed, but wherever he went a stream of hungry young traders followed him. They tried to catch every clairvoyant word that slipped through his chapped lips.
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“You doing anything?”
Cindy looked up. The bartender stared at her, smiling.
“You wanna catch a late, late dinner?” The bartender asked.
Cindy looked over her shoulder to see who he was talking to.
“You,” he said, looking right at her.
Cindy looked at him bewildered. “Why?” she asked.
The bartender grew self-conscious. “Can’t a guy ask a pretty girl out anymore?”
“That’d be a miracle,” she said.
“Well,” he said, “call me Jesus Christ.”
“You’re far from the Messiah,” she said, but she … Read More
Soon they landed back in court. Virgil had lost a very lucrative business deal due to some the client’s daughter. Now his business was in trouble and he tried to reclaim his two thousand dollars and to prevent Cindy from using a shared savings account (one set up by them for the window seat and alcove installation) to pay for the repairs. Virgil lost this case, but it did not matter much to Cindy. The check … Read More
After Cindy left the hospital and settled herself in a new apartment, Virgil came over with a check.
“I know things between us have not gone well this past year,” he said. “But I hope this will help.”
“You want to give me a check?” Cindy asked.
“That’s right,” Virgil said. “It’s not much, but it’s something.”
At his insistence, Cindy took the check, but decided not to cash it until she spoke with a lawyer.
A few weeks later … Read More
Cindy shoved the truck into reverse and floored it backward into the house. Her tail lights entered the living room at just the place where Janice had been standing only a few moments earlier.
Janice later told the story to her therapist this way, “Well, I just wouldn’t be sitting here now if not for cheese balls.
“Virgil’s bowl was empty so I went to the kitchen to refill it. Then that maniac drove Virgil’s antique truck … Read More
Even before it came into view, she could hear it tinkling in the distance. Little bits of metal rubbing against each other like a wind chime on steroids.
Next came the plodding clip-clops of the old cart horse. That old horse would have lost to a snail in a race, but he could trudge on through the worst blizzard or cross the deepest river. Steady as he goes.
Then came the creak of the wheels singing like … Read More
Ok, I read that last email you wrote her and Wooh, boy! I’ll have no chance with her laptop if you don’t up your game. Here: You write one of those piles of cat crap you call a love note and I’ll “autocorrect” it so it doesn’t suck.
*Your hair is like shaved butternut squash*
You trying to make this hard?
How about: “I love you.”
*You are the Jules to my Verne*
“I love you.”
*Your eyes are like shoe … Read More
Dear Cassie,
I’m sorry I impersonated your grandfather at the costume party, particularly since he’s been dead for ten years.
It was wrong, I know that now.
In retrospect, an accurate representation of his body’s decay was unnecessary. I will not exhume another body for “research purposes.”
Please apologize to your mom and aunts for me. I should not have lifted my arms and shouted, “Braaaaaaains!” That was uncalled for.
I hope your younger cousins will not need much therapy.
Lastly, … Read More
Babies are… They come from… It’s magic.
In all my twenty-nine years, I’ve never seen..
If I were your age, I’d think you were the handsomest boy in the class.
We’ll just put it in the wash. Your father’ll never know the difference.
Aunt Laverne pinches because she cares… Well, you are “just the cutest little boy there ever was.”
Most kids would be happy to wear a sweater with such an interesting design.
There are a lot of kids who … Read More
The Russo Prussian war was named after Peter Russo from house of Cards who did a lot of historical research on it.
Mozart was raised by a group of wolves, hence his first name.
Star Wars should be in your history book. Just cuz it was in a galaxy far far away doesn’t mean you can’t study it.
Neapolitan is an anglicization of Napoleon who liked it when things came in three varieties.
Rome was not built in a … Read More
Deja Fu – when you feel like you’ve had this martial arts battle before.
Taekwondoughnut – what my mom always says after we get a fresh dozen
Karate – what Mom’s stew tastes like when she puts too many carrots in it.
Shoedo – the ancient art of throwing shoes at your opponent (sometimes spelled “Judo” for unknown reasons)
Aikido – What Uncle Art says before he laughs and after saying something that makes grandma blush
Combat – the scariest … Read More
