Dear President Constantious,
It was a pleasure to see you at the galactic summit. You certainly held Chancellor Faraday’s feet to the fire on Flepsian immigration. I am certain he will no longer export “the dregs of the galaxy” to your solar system or any other Flepsians for that matter.
I was also very glad to hear that your fifth wife, Despairia I believe it is, will be staying with you despite that very public scandal. I’m sure she’ll stay by your side and continue to weather such scandals long into the future.
I have heard of your recent troubles in the Vesper sector with Gormean Rebels and thought perhaps you might benefit from the advice of an elder statesman, someone who has already dealt with such vulgar insults as unearned citizenship and naked democracy.
So I suggest that you sit back, relax, and bake some crumpets.
This advice may seem unorthodox, but I assure you it is as sound as your deputy finance minister’s grasp on your tax laws (as I hear he’s been investigated for tax fraud and absconded to Flepsia, he must know them quite well).
Baking crumpets provides not only an excellent culinary diversion from unfortunate circumstances, but when combined with a luscious tart and a tall glass of lemonade has the ability to banish all but the most regal of thoughts.
Sooner or later the rebels will realize the roll you play and come back to you. Give them enough rope and they’ll hang the right person.
I have no doubt that this insurgency will not last long, and that you will see it to its end. And if you can do so with a pan of crumpets in your lap, so much the better.
I wish you all the luck in the galaxy.
J. Fribbilous Farth
Grand Senator of the Hyperion, Former Director of the Galactic Intelligence Agency, and Former Ambassador to Gormea Prime.