Experiment #40

The Dictionary Of Gerald Grey: Medical Edition

Cancer: (n.) what Janie has that makes her sick.

Bald and Beautiful: (n.) the fashion style Janie now prefers

Beep Beep: (n.) the sound of Janie’s life

Visiting Hours: (n.) the best hours of the day

Tumor: (n.) Bad

Malignant: (adj.) Worse

Metastasize: (v.) Worst

Crying hours: (n.) the ones after Visiting Hours

Bed surfing: (v.) what Janie does to let the nurses know she cares

Hospital: (n.) Janie’s new home for a while

Oncologist: (n.) the lady who knows the bad, the worse, and the worst and won’t let even that get Janie down.

Chemotherapy: (n.) a way to make Janie better

“The cure is worse than the curse”: (phr.) what Dad always says the day after chemotherapy

Gown: (n.) the clothes Janie wears everyday now. She says it makes her feel like a princess because she could never wear gowns at home.

JG time: (n.) when Mom and Dad take baby Sam with them to go get coffee and Janie lets me climb into bed with her and we imagine we’re flying through space or exploring the ocean or driving race cars and it’s just me and Janie like it used to be.

TV freedom: (n.) Watching tv as much as you want. The only good thing about cancer.

Fighter: (n.) My fourteen year old sister Janie

Experiment #43

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Dinosaur Edition

Neanderthal: (n.) Dad before coffee.

Homosapien: (n.) Dad after coffee.

Stinkosaurus Rex: (n.) My baby sister, Sam, in a used diaper.

Australocrazious: (adj.) Dad after he came back from a business trip to Australia and tried (and failed) to do the accent for three weeks straight.

Fossils: (n.) The stuff at the back of the fridge that’s so old you can’t remember when you originally had it for dinner.

Cretaceous: (adj.) The word Dad made up when he tried to get my friends to like him and now says whenever he can work it into a conversation.

Dinosaur: (n.) What Dad calls Grandpa.

Prehistoric: (adj.) Before Mom and Dad got married.

Man Cave: (n.) A room in our house where Dad sits, drinks soda, watches TV and plans what he’s going to “someday do with this place.”

Cave Man: (n.) What Mom calls Dad when he’s in his Man Cave.

Trilobite: (n.) When you nibble at something you’re not sure if you’ll like.

Pants: (n.) Something dinosaurs didn’t invent or wear no matter what Dad says.

Paleontologist: (n.) Someone who studies buckets.

Bracketosaurus: (n.) What my Mom calls my Dad during March.

Archeology: (n.) What my Dad calls eating at McDonalds.

Diplodocus: (n.) What my Dad says I’m being when he wants me to walk faster.

Albertosaurus, Amargasaurus, and Iguanodon: (Pr. ns.) What my Dad calls my friend Albert, Margo, and Don, but not in that order.

Eon: (n.) How long I’ll love my Dad.

Experiment #57

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Zoological Edition

Wolverine: (n.) A wolf who drank too much pool water.

Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden.

Polar Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden using poles.

Tortoise: (n.) A fancy name for land turtles.

Jack Rabbit: (n.) Current President of the United Coveys of Rabbitdom (according to Dad).

Tom Cat: (n.) Vice President of the Urban Feline League (according to Dad he lost the election to Ali Cat by just nine votes, leading Dad to suspect fowl play.)

Fowl Play: (n.) Dad says it’s the pigeons’ weekly high-stakes poker game, where anything could hang in the balance (including Presidency of the Urban Feline League).

Warthog: (n.) A pig who touched a toad.

John Doe: (n.) A male deer without antlers.

Cheetah: (n.) What the pigeon’s named the cat who played the fifth ace (possibly related to the Urban Feline League election and the fall of Tom Cat).

Feeling Sheepish: (phr.) My Dad says it’s when you have a sudden overwhelming desire to eat grass and follow a guy with a wooden hook.

Crazy like a Fox: (phr.) A weird thing Dad says about himself after he pulls a “trick” on us. By “trick” I mean some lame joke that no one understands.

Quick as a Bunny: (phr.) How fast Mom asks us to go.

Slow as a Sloth: (phr.) How fast Mom says we actually go.

“It’s the eye of the tiger”: (phr.) Something dad mumbles to himself while humming and punching the air and sometimes says to us when he feels we need to be motivated about something. I have no idea what it means.

Elephant Memory: (n.) What Dad says Mom has about birthdays, special events and anniversaries.

Goldfish Memory: (n.) What Mom says Dad has about birthdays, special events and anniversaries.

Love Birds: (n.) What Mom says her and Dad still are (even if he forgets birthdays, special events and anniversaries sometimes).

Monogamous Voles: (n.) What Dad calls himself and Mom (Mom prefers “Love Birds”)

Experiment #73

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Thanksgiving Edition

Turkey: (n.) What Mom calls the key to Dad’s heart.

Ham: (n.)  Something my Mom calls my Dad when he sees his buddies from high school.

Sweet potatoes: (n.) Weird orange knobby things that are neither potatoes nor sweet.

Smashed potatoes: (n.)  Potatoes you throw off the second floor balcony.

Stuffing: (n.) What Aunt Bertha says she’ll hug out of me.

Cranberry Sauce: (n.) Can shaped deliciousness.

Succotash: (n.) A game you play when you try to suck Lima beans and/or corn into your mouth off of the spoon by inhaling.

Suffering Succotash: (n.) Lima beans and corn that Aunt Bertha tries to suck in. Her breath is not the most pleasant.

Parade: (n.) An excuse not to help prepare the food.

Football: (n.)An excuse to not do the dishes (at least that’s how my Mom defines it).

Pilgrim: (n.) Pharmacists who don’t smile.

The Original Turkey: (n.) What my Dad calls Abraham Lincoln (for making Thanksgiving a national holiday).

Pumpkin Pie: (n.) What Aunt Bertha says she’ll make out of me cuz “I’m soooo cute”. Gag me with a spoon.

Cornucopia: (v.) How you deal with eating your corn. (My sister Janie does not Cornucopia well.)

Gravy Boat: (n.) A lower end version of the Gravy Train.

Thanksgiving: (n.) A holiday I’m grateful for

Experiment #96

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Psychiatric Edition (DSM5b)

Mega-Mall-omania: wanting your life to be ruled by malls

Dating Syndrome: characterized by two people going somewhere to discuss that day’s date and, often, the time too (Sounds boring)

Kissings Disease: Throwing name-brand chocolates at each other, at least, according to Dad.

French Kissings Disease: Throwing name-brand little European chocolates at each other.

Text-alotsia: the condition Dad says Janie has especially when he sees the cell phone bill.

DramaQueen-itis: what Mom says Dad has after he sees the cell phone bill

GetOutOfMyRoomatoka: Territorial neurosis characterized by shouting, screaming and general overreacting when a younger sibling enters your room.

NotAMicrophone-io: singing into any non-microphone object as if you were a superstar. Common objects: hair brush, makeup applicator, toothbrush, anything oblong within reach.

Imfine: usually expressed verbally with a sigh and frustrated look, often characterized by the opposite feeling.

Youneverletmehaveanyfun-aloo: a condition commonly found on Friday nights or during the discussion of Friday night plans. References to nuns and chastity belts often accompany the main symptoms.

Boyfriend-emia: Condition sought by boys named Dirk or Biff or Spud who own motorcycles

Friendboy-emia: Condition thrust upon boys like Jason who own no motorcycles.

NiceGuysFinishLastalla: related to Friendboy-emia and characterized by mopeyness and whining to everyone who’ll listen about having Friendboy-emia

NeverGivesUp-ia: if Jason can contract this disease he’ll be just fine

Experiment #108

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Geometric Edition

Rhombus: (n.) When a guy named Rhom drives your school bus

Parallelogram: (n.) Two telegrams sent at the same time.

Square: (n.) What Dad calls Mom when she won’t let him eat a double chocolate fried Twinkie.

Rec-tangle: (n.) What Mom calls all the cords behind the computer desk.

Triangle: (n.) The musical instrument I’m best at.

Sphere: (n.) When you go past fear; equivalent to terrified.

Geometry: (n.) What Dad claims a nut yells after it grows up. (I think there’s only one nut around here…)

Cone: (n.) What you eat ice cream in

Diamond: (n.) Mom’s BFF (Best Friend Forever)

Dodecahedron: (n.) My Dad says it’s the older brother of the dodo bird

Pentagon: (n.) What my dad says happens when you let someone borrow your pen.

Hexagon: (n.) When you break a spell

Convex: (n.) What happens when you win a game of three card Monty

Concave: (n.) Where thieves hide their money.

Obtuse: (n.) What my Mom calls my Dad.

Acute: (n.) What my big sister Janie calls any guy with a pulse.

Hypotenuse: (n.) When you put a plant on a tall shelf and loop a rope around it to keep it from falling (at least that’s the only thing I could think of using a noose for on a plant)

Parallax: (n.) Two lacrosse sticks.

Trigonometry: (n.) According to my dad it’s the trees’ council of elders comprised of three members, one from regular trees, one from conifers, and one from fruit trees. Apparently the shrubs have an honorary non-voting seat on the council.

Circle: (n.) What Mom says we’ve Come Full of when Dad throws up after eating a double chocolate fried Twinkie (again).

Experiment #118

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Cosmological Edition

Primordial Era – The time before smart phones.

Stelliferous Era – The time that guy in that movie had before he screams out “Stella!”

Degenerate Era – What Dad says we entered when my sister, Janie, started dating “that boy”.

Black Hole Era – According to Dad it’s the teenage years.

Dark Era – Any night Janie’s boyfriend comes over.

Olber’s Paradox – The two doctors who treat Mr. Olber.

Cosmology – The search to figure out why Janie loves certain magazines.

Cosmogony – Janie’s love for a single magazine.

Big Bang – What happened the night of July 4th when Janie’s boyfriend almost lost a finger, police officers showed up, and for which new town ordinances were proposed. (Also what happened when Dad found out about said events).

Relativity – When I get in trouble for saying words that Dad mumbles under his breath while trying to fix the bathroom plumbing.

Milky Way – My philosophy toward chocolate cookies.

Star – What Janie wants to be when she grows up.

Moon – What Uncle Buck did to us while we were driving behind him. Mom was not pleased.

Pluto – The ninth planet of the solar system, no matter what astronomers say.

Uranus – An entire planet made of pee, at least that what Janie’s boyfriend said it was.

Astronomical Units – The unit of measure for how much my Dad loves Janie (even during the Degenerate Era).

Experiment #175

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Martial Arts Edition

Deja Fu – when you feel like you’ve had this martial arts battle before.

Taekwondoughnut – what my mom always says after we get a fresh dozen

Karate – what Mom’s stew tastes like when she puts too many carrots in it.

Shoedo – the ancient art of throwing shoes at your opponent (sometimes spelled “Judo” for unknown reasons)

Aikido – What Uncle Art says before he laughs and after saying something that makes grandma blush

Combat – the scariest bat in the world.

Self-defense – when you take down all the fences on your property.

Dojo – the active form of Mojo

Spar – what you call a drinking establishment after you’ve had too much of their wares.

Fight – What my big sister, Janie, and I get into whenever she wants to watch a stupid show while I’m watching a really good one

Punch – ginger ale, donut shaped ice, and some kind of red or pink liquid

Kickboxing – a game kids play sometimes while camping or away from technology. All you need is a box and your feet

Master – what old people put before my name when sending me letters

Sensei – the Canadian form of the word “Sense”

Ninja – what Dad always calls his skills

Green Belt – what my Mom calls the strip of our lawn that gets watered by our neighbor’s sprinkler

Black Belt – what Mom wears after Labor Day

Brown Belt – What Mom calls the rest of the lawn.

Yellow Belt – what Mom says dad puts on any time he sees a spider

Martial Arts – when you paint or do pottery or some crafty thing with your wife

Bellicose – What Dad calls Mom when he wants to make her feel special and thinks he’s speaking Italian