Experiment #174

HELP!

Seeking hero to save me from dastardly villain.

Requirements:

Strength. I’m currently chained to the floor by said dastardly villain. Most extraction scenarios require at least some amount of strength to bust through a wall and/or rip apart the chains.

Good swimmer. Given that I’m chained to the bottom of a well and that that well is currently filling with water, unless you hurry, you will need to swim to get me out.

Very Quick. This is not only … Read More

Experiment #168

Marvel Rejects

Bruce Banter – the Hulk’s loquacious evil twin (now you know the source of his rage)

Captain Marble – a young man who had the power of turning things into a type of felsic intrusive igneous rock. No one knows why he chose the name Captain Marble (since that’s a metamorphic rock), but later biographers assume he did not wish to be taken for Granite.

HawkGuy – Through a botched ritual, Simon Kestrel, turned his arms into … Read More

Experiment #166

Lessons From a Sidekick

Invincibility and invisibility are not the same thing.

Heroes aren’t perfect even if their teeth are.

Villains have feelings too. Albeit sociopathic ones.

If you smash their house fighting a super villain, people probably won’t throw you a party, particularly if your hero calls them a bunch of whiners and fake sobs at their town hall meeting.

Tights are well named, and have a propensity for bunching in all the wrong places.

Capes look awesome. Not so functional.

Always put away … Read More

Experiment #165

The Minor Heroes of Briggs County

Due to its proximity to a large metropolitan area, lenient laws on citizen crime fighting, radioactive waste seeping out of the public landfill, a score of mystical objects buried there and a hero or two from the area who became ridiculously rich and famous, Briggs County became the hero capital of the world with citizens of all stripes (super powered or not) trying their hand at hero work.

Some of these heroes found fame and fortune … Read More

Experiment #161

Awkward Stories Mom Told Me

Once, when I was a little girl, I saw a unicorn… It was really just a horse with a stick glued to its head, but it was still magical.

I once thought I could travel through time, but then I found out your grandmother had just set the clocks back for daylight savings.

I once built a sand castle in the middle of my bedroom. I found sand in everything for two years. 

You remember Roy, don’t you? … Read More

Experiment #160

The Office Book of Lame

Jeremy Rinkoff’s haircut (he has a mullet with a jerry curl)

Laura Smith’s picture of her mom

Dan Dooley’s thirty-eight pictures of his seventeen cats.

Gerald Beemus’ comb-over

Our company website

Larry Jackson’s jokes, particularly at the water cooler or when trying to impress Connie from accounting.

Liz Hammer from HR’s attempt to “make work fun”

Our clients’ excuses for why they haven’t paid us yet.

Carol Coolman’s cubicle dancing

Hank Loopa’s phone voice.

The company dress code.

Connie from accounting’s professional athlete boyfriend

The cookies from … Read More

Experiment #147

To Do:

Prepare time machine for launch
Set incision point to three days before the event
Move Mom out of blast radius (just in case)
Replace $0.50 fuse on fusion generator
Buy lottery ticket
Return Home

Experiment #142

Hello My Name is

Name tags pulled from thirty-seven events in the United States during a one year period and listed chronologically.

Robert Schwartz

John Doe

Your name

Hey You

Sparky

Principal Underachiever

Yo Momma

#ForAGoodTimeCall

YouTube Star

Captain Fantastic

Robertous Cornelious Schwartznicov

King Robert of the Mohicans

The Bob

Bob the Great

Bobbo

Bobbarooski

Bobbarino

Bobapalooza

Bob #1

Bob #762

The Great Bobbino

Bobbalobba ding dong

Bob (It’s pronounced “Larry”)

Colonel Robert Mustard (with a knife in the kitchen)

Bobby (the wonder boy)

The Real Slim Shady

Captain Adventure

Sieman Ymolleh

#HeWhoSaidThatThingOnTwitter

The artist formerly known as Bob

The artist formerly known as your Mom

Michael Bolton (no, really)

C-list Celebrity

D-list … Read More

Experiment #139

Overweight Similes

Like when you’re young and feel that all you have to do to become famous is write a book because you’ve never read a book by anyone who wasn’t famous.

As if Santa had come to your house and left your ten year old brother a brand new bike, your sixteen year old sister a brand new car, and yourself nothing, not a lump of coal or an IOU, but nothing. You had been forgotten by … Read More

Experiment #138

Beware of

Dogs

Chickens

People who claim to know more than they do

Dawgs

Loneliness

Germs

Crowded places

Squirrels

Mondays

Stories of your mother’s first date

Toenail clippings

Venereal diseases

Garage built weaponry

Lawyers

Bicycle shorts and/or Daisy Dukes

Ramen noodles

Anything as seen on TV

Unfaithfulness

Girls who use your tooth brush

Jennifer Fitzpatrick and her promises

Experiment #136

Confessions

It took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure out Flo Rida’s native state.

I have never beaten the first Super Mario Brothers game even though I have claimed to on several occasions.

I ate the last HoHo.

I do not love country music even though I told you I did to get you to go out with me.

My bunny tattoo does not commemorate a little girl who died far, far too young, but the loss … Read More

Experiment #129

Things I Wish I Could Take Back

The itchy sweater from Aunt Glenda

The shiny green and neon pink necktie from my teenager

The wet glue from the dried macaroni blob my nephew gave me

The kilt and matching turtleneck from my brother and his wife

The piece of “modern art” that looked like someone puked on paper and folded it into a hat from Aunt Bernice

The fruitcake from Uncle Bob (as well as the one from my cousin Vanessa and the one from my great-aunt … Read More

Experiment #120

Things that Scare Me

Food that requires refrigeration only after opening it

The lady in apartment 3B

Surgeon General’s warnings

Finding someone I love and losing them

Finding someone I’ll never love and keeping them

Waking up in an unfamiliar place

Public Bathrooms

Hexagons

Private Bathrooms

Saying “Yes” when I should say “No”

Saying “No” when I should say “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.”

Saying “Let us get to the making out, girl who is hot.” When I should–Really I can’t imagine that going … Read More

Experiment #119

Alternative Measures

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Bacon Strip
Equivalence: The best thing you’ve tasted today = 1 bacon strip (Some have complained that this is too subjective and variable to be a useful measurement, others have eaten a strip of bacon)

What: Money
Unit: Burritos
Equivalence: Amount / price of burrito = number of burritos you could get or could have gotten

What: Deliciousness
Unit: Muffin Tops
Equivalence: 1/2 strip of bacon = 1 Muffin Top. Some have found measuring the … Read More

Experiment #118

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Cosmological Edition

Primordial Era – The time before smart phones.

Stelliferous Era – The time that guy in that movie had before he screams out “Stella!”

Degenerate Era – What Dad says we entered when my sister, Janie, started dating “that boy”.

Black Hole Era – According to Dad it’s the teenage years.

Dark Era – Any night Janie’s boyfriend comes over.

Olber’s Paradox – The two doctors who treat Mr. Olber.

Cosmology – The search to figure out why Janie loves certain magazines.

Cosmogony – Janie’s … Read More