Experiment #247

Villainous Classifieds

Nemesis Wanted
BG seeking GG for Nemesis-ian relationship. Must have respectable skills and abilities. Genetic mutations need not apply. Mystical powers preferred.

Has the public turned on you?
Dr. Fallacy & Associates, attorneys-at-law, would like to help. We’ve represented hundreds of misunderstood villains in thousands of cases. Just because he’s a “GG” doesn’t mean he’s above the law. Know your rights. Call the experienced law firm. We’re here to help.

Seeking Evil Compatriot
The Villainous V seeks … Read More

Experiment #225

8 words #7

“Mars, stay away from Earth. She’s people infested.”

Bright lights, big city. Dim lights, not pretty.

The Gormax smiled and finished chewing the coatrack.

There were too many kooks in the kitchen

The cleaners thanked him for their job security

Her fashion sense put the “war” in “wardrobe”

“Alabaster! Patagonian! Chrysanthemum!”

“Mom! No swearing in gibberish.”

“Weirdo.” My baby daughter’s first word… for me.

Starship crashes into comet. Pilot found texting girlfriend.

Sentient donuts claim human ambassador murdered royal court.

“Who do you think you are?”

“Mr. … Read More

Experiment #219

8 Words #6

Uncle Harold went crazy. Aunt June stayed crazy.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Line moved! Waiting.

The squirrel mowed down pedestrians in his dreams.

Steve’s outlandish immaturity elicited Sarah’s infamous stink eye.

King Charles the Insignificant, never amounted to much.

Red lips, purple nails, blue hair: daughter’s boyfriend.

“You smell like cheese.”

“Sounds Gouda to me!”

He raised the cup and drank in despair

This is a job for… My imaginary girlfriend!

King Harold the Eviscerator wore pink. None complained.

Sheathing his sword, he replaced his … Read More

Experiment #213

8 words x5

The warlord sniffed and leered at Tasha, “Pepperoni?”

“‘Supercalafragalisticexpialadotious’ doesn’t describe the FAA’s feelings toward you.”

“Your alter ego’s narcissistic.”

“That’s my regular ego”

The superhero ducked behind the dumpster and wept.

“Trees are alive!”

“You make everything sound creepy.”

Little Bunny Fufu was sued over “bopping incident.”

Burglar called 911 after the guard pig attacked.

Teenager, reflecting on failed life, writes memoir tweet.

Distant planet declares war over 1970’s hair styles.

The man remained calm despite the clown’s return.

The monster leapt from the closet and… … Read More

Experiment #211

Miscellaneous Flash Fiction

The Gift

“Here. Here’s some body wash.”

“You implying something?”

“No”

“Why’s it half gone?”

“It gave me hives.”

“So naturally you gave it to me.”

“It’s free body wash, what do you want?”

“Dignity.”

 

Code Name

“Filibuster?”

“Yes.”

“That’s his spy name?”

“Better than Xylophone.”

“What’s wrong with ‘xylophone’? It’s cool. ‘Hey there gorgeous, I’m Xylophone.’ See? Cool. ‘Hey there gorgeous, I’m Filibuster.’ See? Stupid.”

“Bad pickup lines aren’t a ‘cool’ test”

“Says you.”

“You’re gonna die on your first mission.”

“At least I die cool.”

 

Crazy Person

“Hello. My name is Will and I’ll … Read More

Experiment #209

8 words to the 4th

Molehill declared “mountain” by local political counsel’s decree.

Cow found in cockpit. Airport security standards reevaluated.

She chose invisibility. I never saw her again.

Camper stumbles upon dancing bears, schedules worldwide tour.

Simon covered his steak. “It’s nothing, Bovine Overlord.”

Man beaten by own clone on IQ test.

“Grandpa’s an old fart.”

“That explains the smell.”

Fake artifact found by sham archaeologist proved authentic.

Spaceship disappears in Nebula. Captain had suggested shortcut.

Captain Obvious married Miss Enigmatic. Confused children followed.

Experiment #205

8 words – #3

Her giant ego didn’t care about my narcissism.

Dr. Awful’s Ph.d. in mad science was honorary.

“He went commando.”

“Like special forces?”

“Not quite”

“Checkmate,” the alien said.

“I wasn’t playing.”

“Exactly.”

Colonial Planet revolts. Demands Independence or Sports Channels.

“They should rename your dad the methane nebula”

After tasting my brains, the zombie killed himself.

Old lady found alive after tooth fairy mixup.

Aaaaah a zombie!”

Wife grimaces and punches me.

“Aaaaah an alien!”

Englishman sighs, swears in British.

“Aaaaah a vampire!”

Transylvanian Count smiles and waits.

Mad scientist wig for sale. … Read More

Experiment #191

8 more words

Galactic Senate pins hopes on teen’s Tinder swipes

Man shot during fight: “Shouldn’t have brought knife.”

Mystical temple found. Billionaire leases for photo shoot.

Scientist contacts aliens using TV signals. No reply.

Mythical dagger found in kitchen while cutting cheese.

Aliens discover aerosol cheese, enslave humanity to make it.

CSPAN broadcast forces aliens to die of boredom.

Pentagon battles to be designated “most popular polygon.”

He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows.

You better watch out. Santa Claus is coming.

Triangle feels Blue. Blue … Read More

Experiment #188

Eight Words

She’s no alien! *brain suck* Oh. My bad.

He’s no alien! *brain suck* this is hard.

Look an alien! *military ambush* Oops! Wrong guy.

“Marry Me!”

“I love Michael.”

“He’s imaginary!”

“So?”

Wanted a ring. Got my own dark lord.

On a distant planet, he asked for directions.

Emperor Zarf ate his bride. Warlord family unhappy.

Tried to dissect alien. He(?) called invasion force.

Wanted socks. Purchased aliens. They didn’t fit. Embarrassing!

Alien abduction. Not fun. Alien probe. Less fun.

Pushed big red button. Galaxy exploded. #sorry #mybad.

Travelers unhappy with … Read More

Experiment #184

Half Truths Mom Told Me

Babies are… They come from… It’s magic.

In all my twenty-nine years, I’ve never seen..

If I were your age, I’d think you were the handsomest boy in the class.

We’ll just put it in the wash. Your father’ll never know the difference.

Aunt Laverne pinches because she cares… Well, you are “just the cutest little boy there ever was.”

Most kids would be happy to wear a sweater with such an interesting design.

There are a lot of kids who … Read More

Experiment #178

History Dad Lied About

The Russo Prussian war was named after Peter Russo from house of Cards who did a lot of historical research on it.

Mozart was raised by a group of wolves, hence his first name.

Star Wars should be in your history book. Just cuz it was in a galaxy far far away doesn’t mean you can’t study it.

Neapolitan is an anglicization of Napoleon who liked it when things came in three varieties.

Rome was not built in a … Read More

Experiment #175

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Martial Arts Edition

Deja Fu – when you feel like you’ve had this martial arts battle before.

Taekwondoughnut – what my mom always says after we get a fresh dozen

Karate – what Mom’s stew tastes like when she puts too many carrots in it.

Shoedo – the ancient art of throwing shoes at your opponent (sometimes spelled “Judo” for unknown reasons)

Aikido – What Uncle Art says before he laughs and after saying something that makes grandma blush

Combat – the scariest … Read More

Experiment #174

HELP!

Seeking hero to save me from dastardly villain.

Requirements:

Strength. I’m currently chained to the floor by said dastardly villain. Most extraction scenarios require at least some amount of strength to bust through a wall and/or rip apart the chains.

Good swimmer. Given that I’m chained to the bottom of a well and that that well is currently filling with water, unless you hurry, you will need to swim to get me out.

Very Quick. This is not only … Read More

Experiment #168

Marvel Rejects

Bruce Banter – the Hulk’s loquacious evil twin (now you know the source of his rage)

Captain Marble – a young man who had the power of turning things into a type of felsic intrusive igneous rock. No one knows why he chose the name Captain Marble (since that’s a metamorphic rock), but later biographers assume he did not wish to be taken for Granite.

HawkGuy – Through a botched ritual, Simon Kestrel, turned his arms into … Read More

Experiment #166

Lessons From a Sidekick

Invincibility and invisibility are not the same thing.

Heroes aren’t perfect even if their teeth are.

Villains have feelings too. Albeit sociopathic ones.

If you smash their house fighting a super villain, people probably won’t throw you a party, particularly if your hero calls them a bunch of whiners and fake sobs at their town hall meeting.

Tights are well named, and have a propensity for bunching in all the wrong places.

Capes look awesome. Not so functional.

Always put away … Read More