Experiment #113

Colonel Sweater Part 1

Stan Wilkerson hurled dung at his own front door. He aimed at the eviction notice nailed there, but, as with many things in his life, the turds flew wide. His door and the front of his house started to turn an ugly shade of brown.

Stan had gotten the farm from his father, who’d gotten it from his father, who’d gotten it from his father. For over a century the farm had prospered from one Wilkerson … Read More

Experiment #107

The Beat Up Old Plymouth

That car had come into her lane not what the police report had said, but her word didn’t sway Jimmy. And when, a few days later, little Sam didn’t wake up, she woke up the next day alone.

Things spiraled from there. Her job in the coffee shop, even with overtime couldn’t overcome the bills. The eviction notice came faster than she’d ever thought. The shame, the fear, the judgement and nary a soul to share … Read More

Experiment #98

Listen

I did not go to church
I did not read your scriptures
I did not always do what I ought

But I listened to music
I thought long and deep about beauty and truth and love,
I gave what I could,
Did what I could to help

Is there hope for me?

“Shhh, my child,” He said. “The music still plays.”

Experiment #91

Maximized Utility Part 2

“I’m a web designer,” he said. “If something apocalyptic happens I’m about as useful as a bath tub on a sinking battleship ship.”

Experiment #90

Maximized Utility Part 1

“I know…” he said, “but most people ask me that to make me say something crazy…”

Experiment #80

The Trial

The man entered the expansive room slung between two guards. He was haggard, worn and beaten. Blood flowed from a fresh wound on his forehead, brown blood caked in his ragged beard. The guards placed him on the pedestal where he crumpled to the ground. He brought his hands up weakly to shield his eyes from the spotlights.

A rumble of anger rolled through the audience.

The magistrate stood up from his desk. He held up his … Read More

Experiment #69

All the Way to Daylight

Franklin sprinkled gasoline over a heap of papers and books. In his other hand he clutched a locket carved in the shape of a bird, or, more specifically, a phoenix.

The air split with an echoing scream. Anger, desperation, and longing wrapped together in one piercing screech.

Franklin threw down the gas can and pulled out a lighter. The otherworldly wail came again, closer.

Franklin flipped the lighter open and held it there, contemplating the fiery death he … Read More

Experiment #66

Lies Dad Told Me

The blood bank began as a bargain between humans and vampires. We give blood and the vampires don’t eat us.

Ghosts are kids who didn’t listen to their parents. They’re forced to wander the earth trying to set right that terrible wrong.

The universe is like an orange. (He didn’t elaborate beyond that)

If you don’t dry the dishes the water on them turns to poison. Do you want to drink poison?

The five second rule is a law … Read More

Experiment #57

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Zoological Edition

Wolverine: (n.) A wolf who drank too much pool water.

Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden.

Polar Bear: (n.) An animal who can carry or withstand a burden using poles.

Tortoise: (n.) A fancy name for land turtles.

Jack Rabbit: (n.) Current President of the United Coveys of Rabbitdom (according to Dad).

Tom Cat: (n.) Vice President of the Urban Feline League (according to Dad he lost the election to Ali Cat by just nine votes, leading Dad to suspect … Read More

Experiment #54

The World Stench Competition Part 4 of 4

Back at his box my Dad pulled out all the stops and hoped the baked beans he’d eaten at lunch would come out in time. He looked upset and when I asked, he told me what happened. I was all for going straight to the judge, but we had no proof and everything would end up as his word vs ours.

When the judge came to my Dad’s box he took a good whiff. Then he … Read More

Experiment #53

The World Stench Competition Part 3 of 4

The next morning, after a breakfast that included a variety of cheeses, baked beans and garlic, the competitors headed to their stench training. Several guys went for long runs and a few went to find the skunks as well as a population of bombardier beetles, stink bugs, and great fields of stink weed that were brought in to bring nuance and refinement to the various smells each contestant brought to the island.

My Dad decided not … Read More

Experiment #52

The World Stench Competition Part 2 of 4

Bacontopia had been bought and named during another marketing stunt, this time by a food packaging company from Chicago. They eventually abandoned it for insurance reasons as the amount of bacon eaten by the average visitor was fourteen times the recommended daily limits set in place by the FDA. US law didn’t really apply there, but no insurance company was going to take that bet either. The eventual sale, however, gave the World Stench Competition … Read More

Experiment #51

The World Stench Competition Part 1 of 4

My Mom had always said my Dad was a “stinky one,” but we didn’t realize it was a talent until we saw the flier for the “World Stench Competition.”

It seems a decade or so earlier the marketing departments of a few perfume, cologne and deodorant companies had gotten together to find the world’s stinkiest person. The winner got a good scrubbing, a lifetime supply of deodorant and perfume/cologne, and a year of celebrity as the … Read More

Experiment #47

Playdate

One day my monster came to tea.
He sat down next to Mr. Bear.
Unfortunately though for me,
I had been sitting in that chair

Later on we played hide and seek
But that did not work out so well.
When he was it he’d always peak
Then say he’d found me ’cause I smell.

Leapfrog was a huge disaster
Kickball didn’t last an inning
At ping-pong he was the master
Of eating the ball (not winning)

He … Read More

Experiment #45

The Cow Upstairs

One day, while Sam was working on his homework at the kitchen table. A cow walked in the front door and went upstairs.

While Sam decided what to do about this, his teenage sister, Susan, ran out of her room. “A cow’s eating the shower curtain!” she shouted.

“The red one with the sailboats?” Sam asked.

“There’s only one shower curtain upstairs,” Susan said.

Sam jumped up from the table and ran up to help. That was his Mom’s … Read More