Experiment #245

The Miracle Man Part 5

“You doing anything?”

Cindy looked up. The bartender stared at her, smiling.

“You wanna catch a late, late dinner?” The bartender asked.

Cindy looked over her shoulder to see who he was talking to.

“You,” he said, looking right at her.

Cindy looked at him bewildered. “Why?” she asked.

The bartender grew self-conscious. “Can’t a guy ask a pretty girl out anymore?”

“That’d be a miracle,” she said.

“Well,” he said, “call me Jesus Christ.”

“You’re far from the Messiah,” she said, but she … Read More

Experiment #244

The Miracle Man Part 4

Soon they landed back in court. Virgil had lost a very lucrative business deal due to some the client’s daughter. Now his business was in trouble and he tried to reclaim his two thousand dollars and to prevent Cindy from using a shared savings account (one set up by them for the window seat and alcove installation) to pay for the repairs. Virgil lost this case, but it did not matter much to Cindy. The check … Read More

Experiment #243

The Miracle Man Part 3

After Cindy left the hospital and settled herself in a new apartment, Virgil came over with a check.

“I know things between us have not gone well this past year,” he said. “But I hope this will help.”

“You want to give me a check?” Cindy asked.

“That’s right,” Virgil said. “It’s not much, but it’s something.”

At his insistence, Cindy took the check, but decided not to cash it until she spoke with a lawyer.

A few weeks later … Read More

Experiment #242

The Miracle Man Part 2

Cindy shoved the truck into reverse and floored it backward into the house. Her tail lights entered the living room at just the place where Janice had been standing only a few moments earlier.

Janice later told the story to her therapist this way, “Well, I just wouldn’t be sitting here now if not for cheese balls.

“Virgil’s bowl was empty so I went to the kitchen to refill it. Then that maniac drove Virgil’s antique truck … Read More

Experiment #241

The Miracle Man Part 1

Even before it came into view, she could hear it tinkling in the distance. Little bits of metal rubbing against each other like a wind chime on steroids.

Next came the plodding clip-clops of the old cart horse. That old horse would have lost to a snail in a race, but he could trudge on through the worst blizzard or cross the deepest river. Steady as he goes.

Then came the creak of the wheels singing like … Read More

Experiment #237

Autocorrect Love

Ok, I read that last email you wrote her and Wooh, boy! I’ll have no chance with her laptop if you don’t up your game. Here: You write one of those piles of cat crap you call a love note and I’ll “autocorrect” it so it doesn’t suck.

*Your hair is like shaved butternut squash*

You trying to make this hard?

How about: “I love you.”

*You are the Jules to my Verne*

“I love you.”

*Your eyes are like shoe … Read More

Experiment #212

Confessions of a Shapeshifter

Dear Cassie,

I’m sorry I impersonated your grandfather at the costume party, particularly since he’s been dead for ten years.

It was wrong, I know that now.

In retrospect, an accurate representation of his body’s decay was unnecessary. I will not exhume another body for “research purposes.”

Please apologize to your mom and aunts for me. I should not have lifted my arms and shouted, “Braaaaaaains!” That was uncalled for.

I hope your younger cousins will not need much therapy.

Lastly, … Read More

Experiment #184

Half Truths Mom Told Me

Babies are… They come from… It’s magic.

In all my twenty-nine years, I’ve never seen..

If I were your age, I’d think you were the handsomest boy in the class.

We’ll just put it in the wash. Your father’ll never know the difference.

Aunt Laverne pinches because she cares… Well, you are “just the cutest little boy there ever was.”

Most kids would be happy to wear a sweater with such an interesting design.

There are a lot of kids who … Read More

Experiment #178

History Dad Lied About

The Russo Prussian war was named after Peter Russo from house of Cards who did a lot of historical research on it.

Mozart was raised by a group of wolves, hence his first name.

Star Wars should be in your history book. Just cuz it was in a galaxy far far away doesn’t mean you can’t study it.

Neapolitan is an anglicization of Napoleon who liked it when things came in three varieties.

Rome was not built in a … Read More

Experiment #175

The Dictionary of Gerald Grey: Martial Arts Edition

Deja Fu – when you feel like you’ve had this martial arts battle before.

Taekwondoughnut – what my mom always says after we get a fresh dozen

Karate – what Mom’s stew tastes like when she puts too many carrots in it.

Shoedo – the ancient art of throwing shoes at your opponent (sometimes spelled “Judo” for unknown reasons)

Aikido – What Uncle Art says before he laughs and after saying something that makes grandma blush

Combat – the scariest … Read More

Experiment #173

Monsters Among Us

Experiment #116

Colonel Sweater Part 4

“What’s this?” Stan asked. He shook the ad in Mr. Potts’ face.

“Colonel Sweater saving the world,” Mr. Potts said.

“This ain’t the miracle and it don’t look a thing like him.”

“Artistic freedom, my boy. If we want people to believe, we’ve got to get them in the door.”

“This ain’t the miracle.”

“Listen, Stan, everything I done, I done for you and that sheep there. You think I spent all that money on illustrations and advertisin’ for nothin’? … Read More

Experiment #115

Colonel Sweater Part 3

The next day Stan borrowed Miss Julop’s truck and took Colonel Sweater into town. He went to see Mr. Potts, the old theater director. Between his younger days on vaudeville, his middle years on the theatre circuit, and twilight years running the old theater, he’d seen just about everything. “What kind of ‘miracle’ sheep is this?” Mr. Potts asked.

“Well,” Stan said. “He grew his wool out long and fine, and it just kept growing, even … Read More

Experiment #114

Colonel Sweater Part 2

Stan spent the rest of that day bagging and cleaning the wool. As the sun went down he heaved the last bag into the barn where it’d be safe and dry till morning. He staggered back to the house and fell asleep on the dirty kitchen floor, tired, sore and happy.

The next afternoon, Stan borrowed his neighbor, Miss Julop’s, truck and loaded it up for market. Stan sold a bag at each of the sellers … Read More

Experiment #113

Colonel Sweater Part 1

Stan Wilkerson hurled dung at his own front door. He aimed at the eviction notice nailed there, but, as with many things in his life, the turds flew wide. His door and the front of his house started to turn an ugly shade of brown.

Stan had gotten the farm from his father, who’d gotten it from his father, who’d gotten it from his father. For over a century the farm had prospered from one Wilkerson … Read More