2 days later
Dr. Loofapants ran into the lab holding his cell phone. “Great news, Blobby. I’ve just found a band of marauding pirates who’ll sack and destroy the mild-mannered town in my name. They plan to stay for a whole week! Soon they shall rue the day they heard the name, Dr. Loofapants!”
6 hours later
“What news, Blobby?” Dr. Loofapants asked. “Any day rue-ing yet?”
Blobby switched on the ailing TV. It spluttered and stumbled into life, as the Active News jingle played.
“And finally in a terrible turn of events, pirates have invaded our town” the news anchor said, “and their show is sold out!
“Yes, the Merry Pirates of Milwaukee have been singing and dancing their way into our hearts all day and plan to play a full week of shows at the Fozzworth theatre.
“Due to high demand for their merriment they’ve added matinées as well. But don’t expect to pay for this amazing, joy-filled show; one Dr. Loofapants, who lives on the outskirts of town, has fully financed this for the town’s enjoyment.
“And the best part is that the Hug-o-saurus will be joining them for the finale, and giving out his patented hugs after the show. So if you see Dr. Loofapants, smile and say thanks for us. We shall never forget the day we first heard your name, Dr. Loofapants.” Pirates suddenly invaded the newsroom and began singing and dancing with the anchors and newsroom staff. It was like a musical in real life, but with worse acting.
Dr. Loofapants reached for his laser, but it wasn’t in his holster. Blobby casually turned off the TV. “I sent the laser out for cleaning,” Blobby said, “Wouldn’t want your diodes to clog.”
Dr. Loofapants shivered for a moment and lost it. “Oh Blobby, I’m a failure!” he cried. “I’m washed up, a has been, a pure waste of good evil. Everything I do turns out… turns out nice.”
“You could try being nice,” Blobby said.
Dr. Loofapants looked up, hope filled his eyes. “Oh Blobby,” he said, “you evil mad genius!” He grabbed the phone and dialed. “Hello? How much yogurt can you get me by tomorrow? Can you double it by Tuesday? Good.”
Dr. Loofapants entered the TV room. “Blobby,” he said “Lets see what my scheme of niceness hath wrought.” Blobby switched off The Young and the Gelatinous and put on the news. “Salmonella? Food poisoning? What terrible thing has resulted from my niceness?”
“Dr. Loofapants has started a reign of terrrrrific-ness,” said the anchor. “If you haven’t gotten your free yogurt yet come on down to Battery Park. The Hug-o-saurus will be handing out hugs and yogurt cups for the rest of this evening.
“Through intense investigative reporting this newscast has learned that our friend Dr. Loofapants is responsible for nearly all of the wonders we’ve reported on these past few weeks. The yogurt, the pirate show, the winter weather wonderland, and, yes, even the Hug-o-saurus were all born from his loving genius. So from all of us here at Active News, Thanks Dr. Loofapants, you’re a really great guy, and we’re so glad you’re around.” The Merry Pirates of Milwaukee, the Hug-o-saurus, the weatherman, and the rest of the newsroom all walked on the screen and started singing a hymn of thanks to their hero, Dr. Loofapants.
Dr. Loofapants sulked for days.
Many happy people came to his Lair of Despair™ to thank him, but he wouldn’t see them. Before they could go away angry though, the Hug-o-saurus swung by and they left happier than they’d come.
This plunged Dr. Loofapants further into despair. He couldn’t be evil when he tried to be evil; he couldn’t be evil when he tried to be good; and he couldn’t even be evil when he didn’t try at all.
After days of turning hugs, snow, pirate and yogurt seekers away, Blobby slimed down to Dr. Loofapants’ basement room with a clean laser and the ailing TV set.
Dr. Loofapants made a half-hearted attempt at firing the laser, but missed the TV and set the paisley curtains on fire. Even this didn’t cheer him up. He’d stolen them from a sweet old lady with a cane and now even this evil deed was burning away.
Blobby enveloped the flames.
“Why don’t you go find some other evil master, Blobby?” Dr. Loofapants said. “I hear Colonel Disaster is hiring.”
“Nah, the most evil thing about him is his benefits package,” Blobby said. “At least hear I’ve got Dental… just wish I had teeth.”
“Just go, Blobby.” Dr. Loofapants said, “You’re the best henchman, a mad scientist could ask for, but I’ll never be the master you need me to be. I’ll never be evil. All I’m good for is good.”
“Dr. Loofapants,” Blobby said, “You’re perfectly evil. Remember that time you stole candy from that small child? He cried for a very long time.”
“Yes, that was evil,” Dr. Loofapants said, brightening. “…Till his mother thanked me for preventing cavities…” Tears fell again.
Blobby paused in what passed for thought in his gelatinous head. “Wait, Dr. Loofapants,” Blobby said, “Have you ever heard of ‘killing them with kindness’?”
3 weeks later
Dr. Loofapants stood in front of a large swath of land, dotted here and there with sheet-covered contraptions. A ribbon stretched across the space behind him. In front of him a crowd of thousands hung on his words.
“Welcome, my… friends,” Dr. Loofapants said, “to Loofapants Land, the first ever pirate themed ski resort and yogurt bar for under-hugged children!”
The crowd cheered.
Dr. Loofapants never quite got the hang of being evil, but he did find a way to use his talents. And most importantly, no one ever laughed at him again.